I am like Diane fucking Sawyer with this time sensitive journalism. For those of you who care, KIM TURTLE-LOVE RICHARDS WAS ARRESTED THIS MORNING AT THE BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL. The most shocking thing about this breaking news is that she could afford a room there because that shit ain’t cheap. According to officials the police were called around 1am this morning because of a reported fight where Kim appeared belligerent and with the aroma of alcohol.
After being escorted to the local police station she kicked an officer and accused him of stealing her goddamn house. This story makes me sad but also makes me want to unrelatedly punch Brandi Glanville in the throat. Obviously this isn’t her fault but I find it to be a very effective life hack to blame Brandi for everything because she sucks. Last week I was wildly constipated and concluded Brandi’s reunion behavior was the cause for my disturbed digestion. Kim is set to appear in court June 10th where I will be stationed front and center in white capris (in true Kim fashion) and pet turtles in tow.
This is all too much for me to handle, I need a cocktail (too soon?). On a serious note, I hope Kim gets better and more importantly I hope they expedite filming for next season. I send my best to Kim and her kids. In sentiment, a poem I have written just for Kimmy…
Roses are red,
Skyy Vodka is blue.
Kim had a relapse,
What is Monty going to do?
– Jackie Schimmel