Hi bitches. Welcome to our new refreshed, refurbished, cluster fuck of a website. If we haven’t met before – I am Jackie Schimmel Haas host of podcast “The Bitch Bible”. Disclaimer: if you are easily offended, morally inflexible and aren’t down with casual but well intentioned beastiality then you should probably go follow some bitch…
Easter is Creepy
I’ll let HomeGoods explain why Easter is kinda weird. 1. No adult for any reason whatsoever should house a stuffed animal on display. Especially one that looks like this. What a whore of a bunny. 2. Any sort of a word graphic throw pillow gets me rashy. You’re overcompensating. 3. This looks like something Gwyneth…
Terminal Influenza
I was gonna write about Coachella but the only thing worst than being someone who’s obsessed with Coachella, is being someone that excessively hates on Coachella. Bitch you know if you got a free Artist pass you would be discreetly posting Insta-stories of you on a chauffeured golf cart whizzing past the Molly induced peasants….
Guest Review: Dorit Kemsley
On this week’s episode, I sit down with polarizing housewife Dorit Kemsley from “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” to discuss puppy-gate (ugh), the dynamics of female relationships and marriage advice. Like any true lady, I would never invite someone on my show to berate them. It is in my best interest to have repeat guests….
Darwinism
n: a theory that inherent dynamic forces allow only the fittest persons or organizations to prosper in a competitive environment or situation. In bitchier words, “A god-sent idea that only the self-aware should remain and the boomeranging-special-project-hawking fuckheads should be eliminated, immediately.” Let me just say, I STAND WITH DARWIN. Always have, always will. We…
The Best (& Cheapest) Tank Tops
I desperately wish someone was paying me to say this but alas, they are not. I have fallen victim to the overpriced tank top one too many times and between my extreme love for red wine, turmeric (woman of the world) and general messiness have given up on spending $600 on a plain white fucking…