Kim Richards Arrest

I am like Diane fucking Sawyer with this time sensitive journalism. For those of you who care, KIM TURTLE-LOVE RICHARDS WAS ARRESTED THIS MORNING AT THE BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL. The most shocking thing about this breaking news is that she could afford a room there because that shit ain’t cheap. According to officials the police were called around 1am this morning because of a reported fight where Kim appeared belligerent and with the aroma of alcohol.

After being escorted to the local police station she kicked an officer and accused him of stealing her goddamn house. This story makes me sad but also makes me want to unrelatedly punch Brandi Glanville in the throat. Obviously this isn’t her fault but I find it to be a very effective life hack to blame Brandi for everything because she sucks. Last week I was wildly constipated and concluded Brandi’s reunion behavior was the cause for my disturbed digestion. Kim is set to appear in court June 10th where I will be stationed front and center in white capris (in true Kim fashion) and pet turtles in tow.

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This is all too much for me to handle, I need a cocktail (too soon?). On a serious note, I hope Kim gets better and more importantly I hope they expedite filming for next season. I send my best to Kim and her kids. In sentiment, a poem I have written just for Kimmy…

Roses are red,

Skyy Vodka is blue.

Kim had a relapse,

What is Monty going to do?

– Jackie Schimmel

Dear Gwyneth

Dear Gwyneth,

I have been meaning to write to you since you named your child Apple. I will admit that if we ever meet face to face and are in the same tax bracket I will immediately delete this letter and try to penetrate your social circle (and your ex husband). I know you are probably busy finding the latest $780 sweat band to declare a summer MUST HAVE on Goop, but I hope you can take the time to acknowledge some of your recent public glitches.

A couple of months ago you declared in a magazine article that you are “incredibly close to the common woman”. Seeing that your net worth is an estimated $140 million dollars, this is difficult to comprehend. From an Oscar, performing at the Grammy’s, a cookbook, a blow dry bar, your bestie Beyonce and the bane of my existence GOOP, I hate to break it you sweet cheeks you ain’t common.

Most recently, you broadcasted that you would accept the NY Food Stamp challenge and feed your family off $29 for the week. Poverty challenges aren’t like a game of hopscotch you played at your elite sleep away camp. It’s cute that you felt the need to publicly broadcast your Food Stamp Challenge and bring awareness to the cause. However I am not sure they sell organic kale at the local Food for Less. If you wanted to properly fulfill this challenge I have a hot tip for you; Cup a Noodles, economy sized Bagel Bites and a fucking sugar daddy. Girls just want to have funds. Also did you really need to buy 7 organic limes? If this was a first offense, I wouldn’t be writing you but as a fellow blonde Jew with entitlement issues I felt it necessary to offer some insight.

I get as a public figure you are trying to use your platform to spread awareness. For that I will not fault you, however the juxtapose of your attempts to be relatable and your overwhelming pretentious bullshit (hi Goop) makes you completely un-likeable. Like borderline Anne Hathaway status. You have been quoted complaining how hard it is to find a bikini wax in Paris, how your children gravitate towards organic produce and nuts and that whole “conscious uncoupling” nightmare I JUST CAN’T. Goopers also delighted us with this recent quote…

“I am who I am. I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year.” THEN DON’T GWYNETH, JUST DON’T.

I mean, Country Strong is the best movie of all time so for that I thank you. Yes, I have the soundtrack and no I am not ashamed. Gwyneth – even the way you spell your name is pretentious. You’re delusion is oddly inspiring. From gallavanting about Europe with your macrobiotic green juice, hawking $1300 pinky rings and casually using the verb “imbibe” in one of your Goopy (and gaggy) newsletters – keep doing you girl. And have Moses call me in 8 years.

Love always,

Jackie

PS Gwennie, freshly shaved truffles are actually NOT available at most supermarkets.

Millenial Matchmaker

Unless you have been living in a cave or totally suck, hopefully you are listening to The Bitch Bible podcast series. It’s perfect for carpooling with the kids, family dinners and everyday guidance… okay maybe not but it’s still pretty wonderful. Please be warned it is NOT for the easily offended.

Click PODCAST tab on the menu above to listen and laugh your ass off. It may not be nice but it sure as fuck isn’t boring.

On this weeks podcast I make a public call to action to play matchmaker for my sister Ashley, my gusband Max and my producer Yimu. If you are a strapping young lad who is looking for love please submit photo and a brief bio to sayhi@thebitchbible.com but ONLY if you meet the qualifications listed below….

  1. Ages 18-80
  2. Must be employed
  3. Must own a car (not a fucking bike)
  4. Must be mostly STD free
  5. Must not own any cats
  6. Must not have any children
  7. Must be okay with recreational drug use
  8. Property owners encouraged
  9. Trust funds encouraged
  10. Trust funds and terminal illnesses even MORE encouraged.

If this sounds like you please send portfolios our way, for more info on our bachelorettes follow us on Instagram: @bitchbible and twitter @the_bitch_bible

Spring Break Style

Spring has sprung and brought all of my favorite things; caftan weather, marshmallow peeps and massive anxiety towards “festival season”. I know bitches really lose their mind for fall when they can get off on layering and mediocre knee boots. I couldn’t give two fucks about dressing for the fall/winter season. Mostly because I spend most of December with a rash (I am allergic to 98% of fabrics) and usually with 10 pounds of extra weight… you know, to stay insulated.

Needless to say, the second I can shimmy my pastey ass into a sheer tunic and awkward J.Lo head scarf poolside I become a better bitch. Here are some off my Spring Break/Festival Season picks for the blossoming warm weather loving Bitch.collage

Comment below for details and for more style talk listen to this weeks podcast “Pretty Hurts”  (tinyurl.com/thebitchbiblepod) with my promiscuous Grandma Gloria and turbo-bitch cousin Joanna xx

Sex-ed Sneak Preview

I am unsure how to introduce this video… Some people turn crazy over time and others were just born crazy. Recently a nearly 15 year old video resurrected from the awkward and malnourished pits of my childhood. As a kid, I was almost the same exact person I am today except with a much more sought after thigh gap.

In school, I used to use extreme theatrics to distract my blatant disregard for curriculum. When assigned a project about the reproductive system, I decided to make a nearly 30 minute film exercising my “theatrics”. I am in the process of getting the full video (which I will publish here) but for now will be giving you sneak peeks.

At one point in the film I LITERALLY dress up as a sperm and do a synchronized swimming inspired routine to showcase a miscarriage… you can’t make this shit up. Enjoy.