I was going to write my standard Monday morning Real Housewives recap but felt on this particular Monday a much stronger urge to express my opinions on an epidemic sweeping the nation: The Mangina.
Last night as I sipped my champagne and watched the swampland shit show that IS the Real Housewives of New Jersey, I sat in disbelief at a certain househusband. There he sat, sipping a mimosa like a little Polly Pocket, clad in light wash denim and interjecting in the women’s conversation. His commentary was unsolicited, unfiltered and un-amusing. I watched with my cousin and fellow super-fan Shelby trying to diagnose him.
Is he an asshole? Yes. Little man syndrome? Duh. Desperate for camera time? Obvi. But what was the real issue? He simply has a Mangina.
Sure, we have seen surges of this misdiagnosed genitalia in the past but I personally have never felt the relevance as much as I do now. Manginas are taking over the universe. You may be stroking your chin, checking your tampon inventory and wondering “What exactly IS a Mangina?”
But worry no more, I am here to ease your musings.
When a man unnecessarily interjects himself in female quarrels without an intent to resolve their issues, he has a Mangina.
When a man feels the need to control what you wear, where you go, what you say and whom you associate with, he has a Mangina.
When a man has an issue with all of your male friends and insinuates misconduct due to his own insecurities, he has a Mangina.
When a man breaks up with you quarterly and carelessly to evoke shock and in hopes of gaining control in your relationship, he has a Mangina.
When a man is afraid to be affectionate towards you in front of his guy friends in fear of appearing “whipped”, he has a Mangina.
When a man holds monetary chivalries as leverage for power, he has a fucking HUGE Mangina.
There are a myriad of Mangina prototypes. Doing the dishes doesn’t give you a Mangina. Opening doors doesn’t give you a Mangina. Putting your hoe before your bro doesn’t give you a Mangina. Despite the XY chromosome, natural hand eye coordination and groin bulge – your man may still be packing a serial Mangina. The good thing is if you catch it early (and before he gets his menstrual cycle) you can grab your stash of Tampax, Nicholas Sparks movie collection, and that slutty tube top he won’t let you wear in public and run for the fucking hills.