I could die tonight pretty damn happy having not seen an episode of Hannah B’s season. She gives me a full body rash. That being said, I will regrettably watch (probably on mute) and have very strong opinions. I will say, if another man shows up on television with a bedazzled fossil watch – I’m out.
Since we all know the contestants are only on this show for their personal promo codes, talentless aspiring music careers, and to convince their red state families that they don’t want to be penetrated by a man I felt justified in the proceeding deep dive into their malescaped “bios.” As the critically acclaimed skimmer that I am, I took one line from the ABC bios and made my own snap judgement, cause I’m a lady like that.
“Brian loves singing karaoke until he loses his voice.”
Loves pre-packaged Oscar Meyer turkey on Wonderbread with miracle whip.
“The Notebook is his all-time favorite movie.”
He is gonna show up on paradise wearing Jorts and a Quicksilver tank. Also, I hate anyone that outwardly expresses extreme love for “The Notebook”. Love a little.
Ann Arbor, MI
“He once bought a Tiffany necklace for a girlfriend, but she dumped him before he could give it to her, so he gave it to his sister instead.”
Chasen is the type of guy that says “people tell me I look like Chris Pratt” even though no one in his life has ever said that, zero self-awareness. He probably has a tattoo of his family’s crest which is a deep fried cheetoh on his bicep. Hannah will probably love him.
Newport Beach, CA
“His biggest turn-off is a girl who gossips.”
I want to hit Connor with my car.
“Even though he doesn’t speak Spanish, he loves listening and dancing to Spanish songs in the clubs.”
Did Connor S. feel like that was an attribute that needed to be shared with ABC producers? How diverse of you Conn Conn.
“He is a globally ranked champion in Guitar Hero!”
Lives in his parents basement.
Sherman Oaks, CA
“Devin loves being in love.”
Then why are you so bad at it Devin? He definitely wanted to be an actor. I hate actors.
Real Estate Broker
“Christmas time is his favorite time of year because all the lights and music reminds him of his childhood.”
This literally means nothing to me. I have zero thoughts. Regression.
San Diego, CA
“He is the co-founder of a fitness company…..Dylan has two tattoos: a palm tree on his ankle and a heart with roses on his chest for his mom and dad.”
THERE IS A LOT TO UNPACK WITH DYLAN SO HE GETS MORE THAN ONE LINE.
- Billy McFarland vibes
- He’s definitely had a finger or 6 up his anal cavity.
- His parents are probably apart of the college admission scandal.
“He once snuck into Mississippi State’s football stadium after hours and made out with his girlfriend on the 50-yard line.”
Garrett will definitely make it to hometowns because he’s from Alabama, and Hannah fucks Alabama. Also, VIRGIN. I hate him.
San Clemente, CA
Grant is a what we call a Grade A USDA Prime Vagina Closer. His future podcast title will be “Grilling with Grant.” I hate him.
“Hunter still lives at home with his parents.”
“Jed can rap Nicki Minaj’s part in “Bottoms Up” flawlessly”
Jed will definitely make it to final 4. He gives me low budge Jason Mraz vibes which is triggering but I’ll get over it.
The Box King – WTF DOES THAT MEAN?
“When he’s not killing it in the family cardboard box business, he enjoys going to Vegas and club-hopping. Las Vegas is Joe’s favorite place in the world.”
Joe is constantly clenching and sweating through his Armani Exchange shirt.
“Joey loves to document important moments with his Polaroid camera.”
Joey’s ex girlfriend got him Polaroid camera from Urban Outfitters and he now parts his hair askew and thinks he is a creative type.
John Paul Jones
“John Paul Jones’s favorite drink is Champagne.”
A dude that prefers champagne over literally any other cocktail is a pussy. This guy looks like he walked off the set of Twilight. He doesn’t have an occupation title and has 3 first names.
Los Angeles, CA
“Jonathan loves to go out, but what he really enjoys is the process of getting ready.”
Behavioral Health Specialist
“Kevin says his past relationships haven’t worked out because he “loves too hard.”
I see crazy behind Kevin’s eyes, I am in for the crazy. Rooting for you boo.
Import / Export Manager
“After a religious awakening in college, Luke decided that when he dates, it’s for marriage.”
Lukey Pie have you ever seen this show? I think your Youth Minister meant something a little different on your path of righteousness.
“Luke says that he once hit on Emily Ratajkowski and made her blush.”
That definitely didn’t happen.
Medical Device Salesman
Los Gatos, CA
“Matt’s brother and parents are deaf, and he grew up speaking sign language.”
I am gonna let MATT DONALD get away insult free (even though he goes by MATT-DONALD) because that seems to be a redeeming quality. He is Helen Keller adjacent, and let me just say she was an icon.
- “On the side, Matteo is a sperm donor who has helped create 114 children for all types of families.”
BRO, YOUR SIDE GIG IS SPERM? I appreciate the donation… but 114 children is too much to swallow.
- “Matteo once competed in a talent show where he chugged a gallon of milk in ten seconds.”
I don’t trust people who drink Whole Milk.
Car Bid Spotter
Newport Beach, CA
“Most people’s bodies are their temples, but Matthew’s is an art gallery.”
Darwinism, your move.
San Antonio, TX
“Mike really wants to learn Mandarin and get into Parkour.”
Westlake Village, CA
“Peter’s grandma’s name is Rose.”
FIN. I bet you Peter wins.
“Birds freak him out.”
Ryan gets me.
Software Sales Executive
“Scott is an admirer of Kris Jenner. Just for fun, Scott once ran in a circle around the mall food court, acting like a flying chicken.”
I mean the layers on this dude.
International Pro Basketball Player
“He was an international basketball star. He played overseas for a year…”
Kobe Bryant could never.
Tyler was drafted by the Baltimore Ravens but had to leave football because of a bad shoulder injury.
And we will hear about that injury 176 times within the first episode. Tyler will probably make it to the final 3 because he seems boring.
Psychology Graduate Student
Boca Raton, FL
“He adheres to a strict Keto diet.”