Not intended for the easily offended. Sorry Brenda.
This might not be lovely to say, but it is my civil duty to be blunt and deliver the truth regardless of social decency. I deliver this public service announcement with extreme love and trepidation.
No innocent voiceless newborn should be subjected to a fresh out of the vagine photo shoot. It’s cruel and unnecessary. While some people believe that all children are beautiful… they just aren’t and that’s okay. Let the babies blink it the fuck out and get a proper hose down before you call Anne Leibovitz for a fucking photo shoot.
Just because you had a baby does not mean, for one second, that it’s ready to be professionally photographed. It took me until last week to be professionally photographed, and I am content with that. I mean for fucks sake it was squished in fetal position for 9 months inside of you! If you were stuck inside a liquid dungeon for 9 months would you want to be photographed immediately upon exit and posted on Instagram with a Paris filter? NO.
Listen. We get it. We ALL get it. You have a baby, you made a life, it’s a miracle. And I am the first to say I am totally pro baby. I’m obsessed with the ones I know (thank Jesus they are all cute and well behaved). I plan on popping one of those fuckers out myself one day. I’m well aware my future child will probably be a fucking nightmare and I’ll deserve every second of it. But I will also be acutely aware of my demon seeds newborn aesthetic, and if they look like they belong as an extra on American Horror Story… I’ll work on their personality. All I am asking is that your placenta remain off my social media.
Oh, one last thing don’t lay your baby in a birds nest full of sticks with fucking eggs. It’s weird.