Some people are just born with a purpose. My purpose has always been well natured, sometimes psychologically damaging, self amusement. As a kid, way before social media even existed, I would sprinkle laxatives in my sisters birthday cake and tell no one. Not a cousin, not a friend. It wasn’t for likes or follows or “content”. It was just for me and my own means of entertainment. A true practice of self love.
Keeping myself entertained has always and will always be my main objective. Because if I am not having fun, no one is having fun. Sure there are social casualties that come with throwing your husbands things into the neighbors yard or drugging your 6 year old sister and her friends into crippling diarrhea but hey… that’s LIFE for ya.
In the spirit of self care here are some essentials to start your exhilarating journey of beautifully batshit bitchiness.
A Fucking Microphone It syncs with bluetooth, it lights up, it has reverb, it PROJECTS. Perfect for off key ballads, yelling at wayward pedestrians, parenting, free self promotion.
Bitch Button Great for authoritative commands. Inspo: “Martini, shaken violently with two hand stuffed blue cheese olives STAT or someone is getting SLAPPED.”
This Fucking Mask It’s not lovely to say but here we fucking are. You get away with a lot more shit if you look cute. It’s biology, don’t @ me (whatever that means). I would save this mask in a fire over my dead relatives heirlooms.
Feather Pajamas Dramatic, painfully unnecessary, PETA unapproved and glamorous as fuck. It’s a big dick energy thing.
Fake Cigarettes I don’t know why. You just need them. To smoke inside for literally no fucking reason. The placebo effect makes you feel European, frail and dangerous.
You’re welcome. Forever your girl, Jackie.