I fucking hate bats. Always have, always will. Amidst this pandemic CHAOS, I have decided to turn my virally infected lemons into the frothiest of lemon drops (extra vodka cause it’s a fucking disinfectant) and use this moment of isolated purgatory into a aesthetic self care retreat. Because, if we are going to contract a respiratory disease we should at least look our best. It’s the outside that counts after all.
To be totally honest, I feel as I have been preparing for this moment of solitude my entire life. I have often searched for my purpose (which by the way is totally overrated) and was metaphorically dick slapped during my 2nd day of quarantine. My internal voice spoke to me with such conviction “Jackie… this is your time. Nobody loves you, more than you. Stay in, eat pasta, watch 917 hours of Real Housewives, drink wine, put a fucking face mask on. All whilst helping save lives and being praised for your responsible choices”.
Life is all about reframing. Delusion is a precious gift and during hard times it is important to bask in the beauty of these cloudy waters. And by waters I mean hyaluronic acid and rejuvenating paraben free serums. (Low key the way I can string words together without actually being certain of their definition is astounding. I’m kind of a dumbfuck genius.)
I encourage all of you to join me on this journey and utilize this pause to reframe and treat yourself. And because I am a whore that never misses the opportunity to capitalize off of myself… here is a list of skincare products (non sponsored) that I would keister up my anal cavity if I was going to prison.