- Polyester dresses with those mesh inserts. I’m just over it. No explanation needed. Melissa Gorga called she wants her look back.
- People who call clothing stores “boutiques” It’s a fucking store. We aren’t in France.
- People who call the jacuzzi the “spa” (especially if it’s above ground) A “spa” is a place where you get facials and massages . A jacuzzi is a tub of hot water that some people pee in. Lets not embellish ( I had so many funny “facials and massages” jokes but my grandparents read my site so I have refrained. #maturity)
- Balloons (I fucking hate balloons so much) What is there purpose? Pastel latex that looks like sperm floating around as decoration? No.
- Rihanna, you got your ass beat then sing about how chains and whips excite you? Then publicly rekindle with the asshole that broke your face? Get it together. You are so not Beyonce.
- LOL – unless you 12 years old or are really into Selena Gomez, I’m not into it.
- Vegans. Their lifestyle is against the circle of life. Hakuna Matata.
- Pinterest crafts, sure I would love to spend 4 hours making my own patio furniture out of fucking wood planks but who the fuck has that kind of time?
- Modeling Careers. Unless you are plucked from the sidewalk by Ilene Ford or look like Gisele, secure a plan b. Everyone in LA is a fucking model. Go get a real estate license.
- Miley Cyrus. No explanation necessary, have you seen her haircut?
- Uggs. I am quoted in my high school yearbook saying “Uggs put the Ugg in Uggly.” At the time this was very controversial. I’d like to say I stand by that statement.
- People who preach embracing and celebrating your disabilities. Listen I know that seems harsh to say… But if you’re blind, you shouldn’t sign up for fucking Neighborhood Watch Patrol. If you are tone-def, you’re not going to be my wedding singer. Why wouldn’t we embrace our ABILITIES? That just seems more logical. Yes?
- Tom’s, I know they are for a great cause. But under no circumstances will I wrap my foot in burlap and justify it as charity work. Couldn’t they make just a normal sandal or something?
- Smart cars. Yes, they omit less fumes. Yes, they are better for the environment. Yes, they are good for gas. THEY ONLY HOLD 2 FUCKING PEOPLE. So in actuality they are really only 1/3 of a normal sedan. So you need 3 smart cars to carry five people. Which mean 3 x the fuel, 3 x the fumes and 3 more fucking cars to add to LA traffic. Genius!
- Those heinous signs people hang in their home’s that say “Home Sweet Home” or “Dance Like No One’s Watching” ummm… I dance SO much better when people are watching. If you need to hang a sign to remind yourself to “Carpe Diem” you might want to take that $13.99 you spent for it and go get your ass some Franzia. Or a friend. Or lexapro.
I feel so much better getting that all off my chest…