A Bitch’s Guide to Red Flags

I have decided to start a new category titled Haute Mess Men.  I have always had a large group of close male friends that I have known forever.  When you have friends that you grow up with, the level of intimacy is just different. We all know each-other’s fat stages, childhood speech impediments and embarrassing moments and still have chosen to remain friends. It a weird juxtapose of who we were then, who we are now and how we still connect and I love it (either none of us have changed much or we just all became assholes in unison) Being surrounded by these male specimens and learning quite a bit through trial and error, I have compiled a list of dating red flags to provide dating awareness. These have been female/male approved. You’re welcome.

  1. Gold Chains- I swear by this red flag. LA is flooded with chain wearing men. I will go on record and say you should probably not date 98% of them. Just the stigma of a man going through the motions of purchasing, polishing and putting on a glimmering necklace freaks me out. Not into it. Even more offensive if it’s choker length. I can see your gold chain and mangina from here.
  2. “Part-time”-  Usually “part time” is a nice way of saying fun-employed. Everyone goes through hard times, glamourizing it is not the right approach. Use your best judgement.
  3. 3+ years at a Community College- Listen, there is NOTHING wrong with community college (Hell, I barely even went to college) However, if you are there for more than 3 years – it’s time for a new game plan gentleman. Hit it or quit it.
  4. Label Whore – This may seem hypocritical since I can be a bit of a label ho myself. Looking good is one thing, caring too much about looking good is a red flag. If your guy is name dropping who makes his watch, who makes his shoes (GAG) suggest dessert at The Abbey in West Hollywood. Then label his ass DUMPED.
  5. Emoji’s- I’ll just go out and say it. I don’t fucking like emoji’s. They bug the shit out of me. A smile once in a while I can tolerate but any guy that is using emoji’s in every text he sends you needs to seriously cool it. Emoji’s aren’t haute.
  6. First date coupon- I live and breathe for a good bargain, I squire the internet daily looking for local dining deals. In all honesty saving money gives me a huge heart boner. However, on a first date – it’s pretty douchey and awkward.
  7. Momma’s boy- This is a slippery slope. You should always look for a guy that treats his mom well and show’s her respect. My Mom always taught me how a guy treats his momma is eventually how he will treat you. However, sometimes too much love for your momma is a huge red flag. Ladies, you know the type. If your guy calls his mom as much (or more) as he calls you, calls her “Mommy” and/or has a framed pic at his bedside head for the fucking hills. Time to detach from the teet. Did anyone watch Bates Motel? Norma + Norman = red fucking flag.
  8. “Shpants” – Are they shorts? Are they pants? They are probably shpants… also known as man-pri’s. Not socially acceptable.
  9. Curbside Service- This has a 3 strikes you’re out rule attached. If you don’t know each other prior to a date it’s totally understandable to meet. However, within first 3 dates if he doesn’t offer to pick you up, time for you to start picking up new guys ( I mean that mentally not transportation-ly).
  10. Dan Kramer – just kidding… The ultimate haute mess man. He never reads my fucking blog. Send any nude photo’s/evites/spam mail  to dankramer90@gmail.com
  11. Going Dutch- the only Dutch thing I want in my life is Yolanda Foster and her lemon grove. If he asks you to split the bill, say you’re headed to the restroom and split

2 thoughts on “A Bitch’s Guide to Red Flags

  1. 反服貿 says:

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