I have been lucky enough to have nice parents who are able to buy me nice things. However, I have always felt it to be so much more gratifying to be able to buy nice things for myself. Maybe it’s ego, maybe it’s pride or maybe it’s so I don’t have to deal with the end of month phone call from my father’s assistant inquiring “suspicious charges” (I always blamed those on my mother) Since I peaced out on college early (hey it’s not for all of us) I have been a working girl for quite some time now and have loved the fact that I can buy what I want, when I want. Unfortunately, most of my purchases are not the most fiscally responsible. Listen, I can do some serious work at Forever 21 – I literally buy 95% of my jeans there for $9.99 (more on that later) but every once in a while I have a moment of weakness. It may come as a shock to you, but I used to have (still do) a WEE bit of a shopping problem. I know women say this all the time. Buying a few too many items at Urban Outfitters is much less of an offense than eating Ramen for 2 weeks and using 4 different methods of payment to buy a vintage Halston top that was “MADE for me” even though it was MADE before I was born… we all have our low points. I have noticed a pattern in my shopping habits. When I am upset, I buy something sparkly. When I am happy, I buy something sparkly. I’m sure there is some deep rooted psychology behind this, but my therapist has bigger issues than my shopping habits to deal with.
With summer approaching, I have been trying to clean out my closet for weeks. We have all heard the saying “If you haven’t worn it in 6 months give it away to someone less fortunate!” Ummmmm…no. Whoever whipped up that little tidbit of advice probably had some shitty clothes and a black soul. When I walk into my closet and see the obnoxious amount of leather, sequins, feathers and verging on tacky embellishment it makes me so fucking happy. Some people may disagree and not see the appeal. But isn’t that the same with every personal relationship? I ingested serious amounts of sodium and thought about selling my eggs to buy this shit, I’m certainly not giving it away! And because you DON’T turn your back on true love, let’s reminisce on some of my favorite things I can never say goodbye to
Halston Top- This top weighs 11 pounds. Literally. Someone asked me if I bought this at Party City… I thought about shanking that guy. You can’t tell from the photo but it is in PERFECT condition and was made in the 70’s. I just LOVE it. Wearing this baby is more of a workout than I have ever had at the gym.
John Galliano Heels- These are without a doubt my favorite shoe’s I own. They hurt like a mother fucker and I couldn’t care less. These shoes were one of my greatest victories. I had to monitor them for 2 weeks . They are iridescent STINGRAY talk about a heart boner. I knew another price reduction was on the horizon so I went every day to hide them in various spots throughout the department store till I was ready to take my babies home.
Shakuhachi Leather Dress- This was definitely an impulse buy. I get seriously scrappy during holiday shopping, I hate all the people shuffling through the racks with all their bags wacking me in the face and their annoying kids with their runny noses. It just gives me so much anxiety and really gets my blood boiling. I spotted this dress in San Francisco at the same time as some Birkin carrying hoe-bag with an iced coffee wider in diameter than her torso. We made eye contact and both grabbed for it. There was no way in hell I was letting this skinny bitch get my dress. After a brief verbal altercation, I won #justice I sweat like a mofo in this dress. Very little ventilation.
Prada Flats- I am not a big flats girl. But if I do wear them… they better fucking sparkle. I bought these when I was 18 and learning that nobody wears heels to class. Directly after I bought these I drove my ass straight to Food for Less (I know) and got enough Bagel Bites to feed a third world country. Fuck, I love bagel bites.
Haute Hippie Dress- Oh yes. I wore this dress for my 21st birthday, I had to enforce a cocktail dress code just so I could wear this. It’s so ridiculous and so me I can’t even stand it. We’re talking crystals, beads AND feathers? Done and done. The only downfall is after I bought this, Melissa Gorga modeled it at the Posche fashion show on RHONJ and I wanted to shank myself. Still can’t decide if that makes me love it more or less? #teamteresa
BCBG Tunic – I wore this to my 8th grade culmination dance… I’m serious. Way too work your shit girl. I looked like a malnourished giraffe with jew hair and braces and thought I was so hot. Gotta love that. I tried wearing this last summer with jean shorts and busted a seam with my boobs. Glad to know that even though my fashion sense has made little progression, my chest size has.
Marc Jacobs Shoes – I remember the day I saw these shoes. I was in Malibu shopping for my “Vice” (similar to Sadie Hawkins) dress. Naturally, it turned into a shopping trip for my mother and we went into Madison so she could get a break. I instantly caught the glimmer of sparkle from the corner of my eye and started to foam at the mouth. It was the first time I had ever fell in love with a pair of shoes. My mother told me I was 15 and there was no way in hell with children starving that I would be getting them. She said it was less about the money and more about the “principle” I understood and figured I would just have to get resourceful. For the next 2 weeks I was obsessed with trying to replicate the idea behind those shoes. I looked for knock-offs, online coupons and contemplated pulling a Winona and straight jacking them. When I came home from school with modge podge and glitter I had stole from my Student Council supply cabinet, my mom was over it. She told me she would get me the shoes because she couldn’t listen to me talk about them anymore. She probably was afraid I’d end up in Juvenile Hall or even WORSE start doing arts in crafts in her OCD immaculate home. She told me if I told Dad she’d cut me and that even though we don’t wear the same size they were “her’s”. I swore I would wear them when I got married and to every dance for the rest of my life! Obviously that didn’t happen, but I love them now as much as I did then. Thanks Mom.
Haute Mess Lesson: If you haven’t worn it in 6 months, but had to go an involuntary hunger strike to buy it… keep it.