I feel like I would be being shady if I didn’t divulge a very personal and predominant aspect of my haute mess life… my phobias. I know the term “phobia” gets thrown around A LOT like sand at the beach but in my case, the struggle is real. Heights? Nope. Robbery? Whatev. Murder? DGAF. Birds? SHOOT ME IN THE FACE BEFORE YOU PUT ME WITHIN 3 FEET OF A PIGEON. Yes friends, I am utterly terrified of birds. Not like “LOLZ PigeOns aRe sOoOo GrosS! Ew!” We’re talking about an actual, full out, balls to the wall, tears flowing like the Nile River fear. People (including my hypnosis therapist… hey girl) always ask me what exactly I am afraid of, do I think I will get shit on, am I afraid of being bit? No and no. Literally their presence alone catapults me into a mental downward spiral. I have been afraid of them as long as I can remember and have been wishing for their extinction (sorry PETA) with every batch of birthday candles I have ever blown out. At age 11 I started seeing a hypnosis therapist to try and nip this shit in the already blossomed bud. My phobia had become completely debilitating, it was hard to explain why I was unable to eat lunch outside with my friends, literally convulsion if I heard a wing flap and would walk have to take the “scenic route” to class if I saw a bird within 200 feet of my destination. Not the best combo for a lanky Jewish girl just starting Middle School #awkwardstage.
My hypnosis sessions were under way and my big test was going to the Santa Barbara Zoo for one of my girlfriend’s birthday parties. After a 9-1-1 cram session and extreme self-meditation I felt ready to make those seagulls my bitch. Half way into the outing I only had 3 facial-ticks (wing flap sound) and 2 minor panic attacks which was FAR fewer than my usual 37. Things were going relatively smooth and I was so proud of myself for putting on the façade of a mentally stable pre-teen. As we finished admiring the lions, we made a quick detour on our way to see the giraffes. Blinded by my mental achievement I nonchalantly followed my friends and tour guide through a doorway that took us into what appeared to be an oversized cage. I looked around and was engulfed in the beauty of all the tropically lush trees and flower’s everywhere. For that split second I was starting to get this whole “nature” thing people are always raving about. That was until I heard the squawk… “Excuse me, what is this place? Just like rainforest tree’s or something?” #wishfulthinking. The tour guide lit up so excited to delight me with the news, “No honey, this is the bird cage! Isn’t this magical?” MAGICAL?! The only thing magical about that moment is how I managed not cut that timberland wearing, bird loving, nature guiding bitch. To say that I went into a Carrie White haze and would’ve lit that cage on fire if I had telekinetic powers would be an understatement. This was fight or flight people, the once beautiful foliage now was camouflage for the much needed EXIT sign. I immediately started sweating, crying (hysterically) and running searching for the exit sign all the while SCREAMING to drone out the disgusting “CACKAW CACKAWWWW” of the flying vultures. I finally made it through the exit door and almost passed out. I had just gone through one hell of an emotional roller coaster. After I finally caught my breath, wiped my tears and tried to get my serotonin levels back on track, I looked through the cage back at my friends who were all staring into space eyes wide and jaws on the floor trying to absorb the public display of crazy performed by yours truly. In hindsight I can see this may have prematurely ended some early middle school friendships. Talk about an awkward car ride home… “ So how bout them giraffes?”
Living in Los Angeles you can imagine the bird phobia is still quite the doosy. With a birthday just around the corner I intend to be blowing out A LOT of candles and wishing big (please extinct. please extinct. Pretty pretty PUH-LEASE extinct) I don’t care how it effects the ecosystem it’s 2013 they will figure it out! Vegans are the one’s messing with all that shit anyways. Making appointment with my shrink as we speak… #byebyebirdies
**Editor’s note: I just recieved an email asking if when I said I wish all birds would extinct if that also included PET birds. Yes. Pet birds too… sorry.