Fitness Guru

I will just come out and say it… I fucking hate to work out. Whenever I hear girls talk about how much they LOVE the gym and then boast about their 6am run with the hashtag #fitness I have to actively control myself not to vom. “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels!” HAVE YOU EVER HAD A FUCKING BIG MAC? Whoever came up with that is a total dumbass. I am supposed to believe you would rather be at the gym, sweating your ass off in front of gross tank top wearing men than lying in bed with a plate of bacon watching Sex and The City re-runs? Bull shit. You know where I get my cardio in? The Barney’s Warehouse Sale…talk about an adrenaline rush. I have practically half nelson-ed a bitch for reaching for the same Alexander Wang tank top as me. I like to think of myself as the Tanya Harding of all major retail shops. I’m small(ish) but I am scrappy.

I figure I am young enough to be able to maintain a deceivingly “fit” physique without exercise so what would be the incentive? (it’s called SPANX) I know, I know, it’s for my “HEALTH”. I eat Kale like a mother fucker, shop with the athleticism of an olympian and on top of all that, I’m batshit crazy and with all that unnecessary brain flow/panic attacks I HAVE to be burning extra calories. Anyways, my boyfriend is all gun-ho on starting an exercise regime together so I am trying to be supportive and get back in the swing of things. I have purchased an embarrassing abundance of excersise/dance dvds, workout gear and even a Tony Little GAZELLE (I’m not joking…) I have decided to enroll us in some very questionable group classes and am hoping I will be able to hold it together. Expect plentiful updates/evidence and more than anything WISH ME LUCK!



One thought on “Fitness Guru

  1. Jim Haas says:

    Whole heartedly agree, although at my age I can’t do as I think; life becomes shorter every day, so I must do something to keep in some kind of shape. Wish you “Good Luck” with the BF, but I think we both know he’ll totally go for it!

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