Are You a Stalker?

Stalking is defined as unwanted or obsessive attention by an individual or group toward another person. Blocked phone calls, late night drive bys and scheduled run-ins may be a foreign concept to you (liar) but for some people (and during a low point, yours truly) that’s just a Tuesday night. You may classify those activities as creepy or desperate. I personally prefer the term “pro-active”.  I’m not trying to associate myself with those crazy Bunny Boilers out there (Fatal Attraction joke). In the hopes of maintaining my semi mentally stable image, I would like to go on record and say I have only resorted to below tactics when absolutely necessary. Let’s chalk most of my behavior as comedic or kitschy! instead of really fucking creepy. Because with maturity I have learned that I in fact, can be really fucking creepy. Don’t let the sunny disposition and happy childhood fool you… I have done some weird shit.

I can confidently make the assumption that 98.7% of my generation has dabbled in stalking. I don’t mean sitting in a tree with a pair of binoculars, that is so 2004. Like any intelligent young woman a gal (or guy) just likes to do their research.“Hey Jason, what are you up to tonight?” “I decided to drive up to SB for the night! let’s hang soon though!” Oh really… that’s a doosy because your car is in your assigned parking spot and I can see the lights on in your apartment.


THE DRIVE  BY – This is not for beginners. Also, do not perform this stunt alone… that is way weird. Any savvy girl should know you can never prosecute before proven guilty. In normal terms, it doesn’t hurt to know your guy’s location. If he says he’s home, he better fucking be at home. A few basics… headlights off, windows tinted, demure colors and zero eye contact. I have been on MULTIPLE drive bys. Company is key! Back in high school my friends and I would be driving around and kidnap my best friend, drive her to her crush’s house, push her out of the car, lock the car doors, HONK uncontrollably until he came outside then speed away leaving her in front of his house ALONE while she was left to explain herself. We liked to say we were just trying to get them some alone time…It was a really evil thing to do and I apologize. It’s a miracle we are still close. Love you, boo

THE STAGED RUN IN– First reference “THE DRIVE BY” above. This move is for real ball busters. Or if the guy you are dating is a douche bag and you plan on ending things. Let’s say your flavor of the week has said he is sick at home but through investigation you have learned that he is out at a bar with some friends. The first thing you do is confirm his location “Oh no! I’m sorry let me know if you need anything. Feel better!” Boom. Then go find your hottest guy friend or seemingly straight Gay and trap that bastard. This is a sister move to the drive by (must secure location) Bonus points if you can find a date to rub in his face along with the shame for being caught in a lie #justice

THE ACCIDENTAL “ASS TEXT”– Classic as a fucking Thoreau novel. You send a text that’s casual enough to seem like it’s unintentional, yet personal enough so they are not sure if they are intended recipient. The art of balancing both of those aspects is an art… but with practice you’ll get there. In the interim here are a few “Hey how was dinner last night” “Oh my god, just ran into Sam. So awkward” “What was that sushi place you said was so good?” Or if you want to keep it simple just basic intro talk “Hey you” (After you say sorry wrong person! He may think it that was to another guy, therefore making him insecure AND competitive. GREAT combo) it indirectly forces them to initiate conversation. “Sorry! Wrong Jason haha” perfect way to open window to communicate while making them feel inferior to other person that shares the same name. It’s like a social experiment! Works every time…

THE SOCIAL MEDIA PATROL – I really wish all this social media was relevant when I was in high school. I would have pulled way more tail. Back in the day, I had to go to some great lengths to find out where the guy I liked was going to be on a Saturday night. Now you are tagged everywhere you fucking go. It’s UNBELIEVEABLE. The #1 resource to successfully complete all above tasks. Get dirty in those newsfeeds , elbows deep. That sounds wrong… but you know what I mean.

Haute Mess Lesson : It’s not creepy if it’s legal. I once had a friend cut a lock of her hair, put it in a bag and give it to a guy with an attached love note… they ended up hooking up. If that’s not Romantic Comedy material I don’t know what is.


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