Hate Crimes

So this one time when I was 16 I got held knife point by an Asian family man, 2 doors up from my Aunt and Uncle’s house on Father’s Day. It was a standard Sunday family barbeque, me and my cousin Claire were hanging out pretty bored with all the family time. We discovered her extensive collection of American Girl Dolls and Bitty Babies (very lifelike dolls) in the garage and thought it would be HILARIOUS to go ding dong ditching and take it next level by leaving  the dolls wrapped in their blankets on all the neighbors doorsteps. Kind of like when Dumbledore put Harry on the Dursley’s doorstep – seemed Father’s Day appropriate. We both put on matching camo print jackets (major fashion misstep) and used some black marker as war paint under our eyes. With all our gear on and fake babies in tow we ditched the family gathering and hit the hood.  First few houses went as expected. We would drop the doll, ring the doorbell, hide across the street in a bush and watch the new parent’s reaction. Most people laughed, others were confused and some just shut the door and left the baby on the doormat. Nice parenting.

As we made our way up the street, Claire had mentioned a new family had moved in a couple doors up. What better way to welcome them to the neighborhood than leaving an adorable (and relatively expensive) baby doll on their doorstep. Jello molds are so 1994. Apparently Claire was incredibly nondiscriminatory as a child because she had dolls of all ethnicity. She was kind of like the Angelina Jolie of doll owners. We left one of our gorg ethnic dolls nick named “Lucy Liu” on the new neighbor’s doorstep. As we hid across the street we didn’t see anybody come to the door. Being that we were low on inventory, I took one for the team and decided to run to the door grab the baby and meet Claire at the next house. After I rescued Lucy Liu and started down the driveway a small Asian man came from the darkness of the side yard with a fucking kitchen knife #suburbiaproblems. I screamed and almost shit my pants. “What the hell are you doing, do you think this is funny? Get the FUCK on the ground” I thought he was joking and started laughing nervously. “ I said get on the ground!” I literally could not speak and dropped to the floor while cradling Lucy. My cousin had heard me scream and ran to the front of the house “Jackie I saw those kids who were ding dong ditching they went that way!!!” Solid effort. “You too, get the fuck on the floor!!” This little man was about to Jackie Chan our asses. Claire, also about to shit her pants, joined me on the floor against the garage. There we were 2 JAPS (Jewish American Princesses – not a Japan reference) dressed in camouflage, holding an Asian doll, huddled together on this psychopaths driveway. For the first minute and a half I was convinced he was kidding, once we both realized he was far from joking and could very well Benihana us with the steak knife he was holding- the tears started to flow. “Who the fuck did you come with, you are sick people.” We both started hysterically crying and tried to explain ourselves and pull the damsel in distress act “We are SO sorry!” “It was a joke!” “We do lots of charity work!” “I LOVE ASIANS!” “My childhood best friend was Korean!” “I’m in student council” “We will pay you to let us go!!” Nothing was breaking this guy. His wife came outside to supervise while he went inside to call the cops. He told us if we moved he would shoot us in the face…and I kind of believed him. We attempted to appeal woman to woman with Kim Jong Un’s wife and plea our story. She obviously was just as scared of her husband as we were – she was not having it. Talk about a fucking nightmare. This was really going to jeopardize my chances for Homecoming Princess.

He came back with a notepad and a camera, he started taking pictures of us for evidence and then made us write down all of our information (we gave all false info). He tried to get into our heads like a fucking police interrogation asking us about our family members “Got any siblings” “Yes.” “Do you love them? Do you want them safe?” WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?  He let us know the cops were on their way and we decided it was time to bolt. Using what could only be classified as cousin telekinesis, we made eye contact and both SPRINTED home (all 2 houses down). We ran to the backyard and both started screaming telling our parents what had just happened “WE WERE DING DONG DITCHING AND THIS GUY SAID HE WAS GOING TO SHOOT US HE HAD A KNIFE THE COPS ARE COMING” All we had to say was knife and cops and all the men in my family stood up and went into CRIP mode. “WHERE IS THE HOUSE?” We told them 2 doors up and when I saw the look in my Dad, Uncle and Grandfather’s eye I was 98% sure they were going to kill this little fucker. After they left and we calmed down we explained what had happened and then could not stop laughing… We knew with police on the way we needed to keep up the emotionally frail and wounded routine so this asshole would get some type of punishment. Our dad’s came back to the house minutes later with the cop’s and had us explain our story.

Oy vey. After the dramatic performance of the year (Meryl Streep status) we were escorted back to the scene of the crime with police officers in tow. Evidently, the family had just moved to Los Angeles because they were victims of a hate crime in their previous town – YOU CAN”T MAKE THIS SHIT UP. He explained that when they saw the Asian baby on the doorstep he figured it was a similar situation and felt he needed to protect his family. I mean I get it… but seriously?  As we were finishing up our lovely little Father’s Day legal interrogation, I asked if he wanted to keep the Asian Bitty Baby for one of his kids. He graciously declined. I thought it was a nice gesture…

Haute Mess Lesson: Don’t leave fake babies on people’s doorsteps.

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