I take all my friendships seriously. Most of the people I am close with, I have known since elementary school or are bound to me by blood – perks of having 4,000 cousins. I also have been lucky to have met people in past few years who I have become very close with which is rare. Because I have been hanging out with mostly the same fucking people for the last couple of decades my bullshit/ patience meter is almost nonexistent. I generally love people who love me. For a long time, it was my only pre-requisite for friendship. And if you don’t, we probably aren’t friends. Loyalty is a big thing for me, if you burn me I literally will cut you out like a Bloomingdales 25% off coupon. Sure, a little dramatic but I just like to know where I stand with people, if you fucking hate me at least give me the respect of acting like you fucking hate me. I can take a hint – no hard feelings girl! It’s a big bad world out there and a haute mess has gotta do what a haute mess has gotta do. Here are some solid foundations for true friendship.
Friends don’t hook up with your ex-boyfriend… ever. This should pretty much go without saying. If you seriously dated a guy, he is off limits. Cousins, brothers, teachers, pen pals, camp friends are all fair game. EXES? No. Never. Whore.
Friends don’t let friends go out in public wearing the following; Harem pants (especially ones with a drop crotch), kitten heels, True Religion jeans, Uggs, Juicy Couture sweats (or anything), tie dye, anything too tight, designer turbans (unless you can pull that off), frosted lipstick, Sketcher shape-ups, jeggings etc. If one of your friends suggests you bust out your embellished pocket, white stiched, acid wash True Religion capris – your friend fucking hates you and wants you to look like shit so she looks better.
Friends don’t make up excuses to cancel and/or decline plans. “My dog fell down the stairs and needs to go to the vet and I can’t make it to dinner tonight sorry!!” This is how I roll (This is an actual text message conversation) “Din tonight?” “No” “K love u” No dramatic stories, no fake menstrual cramps. Just an honest decline. For the record, there was a Season 1 Real Housewives of OC marathon on Bravo that night. #validexcuse
Friends tell friends if they have gained a lot of weight (or if they have lost) I have a pact with my best friends – they are legally obligated to tell me if I get fat. Or use our non-verbal code – oinking. I’m not saying a smidge of zaftig. I mean noticeably larger. If your friends or family won’t tell you (God knows my mother would send my ass to involuntary Tracy Anderson fat camp and put me on ice cube diet) who the fuck will? Better to hear it from the people you love, than have the people you hate talking about how I went from being so emaciated looking as a kid to Shamu’s twin sister. Not cool. The famous friendship ballad “Lean on Me” by Bill Wither’s comes to mind as I’m writing this… don’t make me state the obvious joke.
Friends aren’t afraid to share good news. This is a huge pet peeve of mine. If something really fabulous is happening in your life you shouldn’t be hesitant to share your excitement with your people. I have known people in my life that are incapable of being happy for others when their life is not going quite as smoothly. If you are afraid to show off a new purchase, talk about a recent promotion or gush about your boyfriend – it aint right girl. People who are can’t be genuinely happy for you unless their own happiness is fulfilled are not good friends. No matter how shitty their situation is, never okay.
Friends aren’t afraid to share bad news. I learned this one the hard way. When I was 17 years old, I got dumped. Big time. I had no idea it was coming, I had never had my heart broken before and went completely into a cave. I was so embarrassed and ashamed I didn’t tell any family or friends for DAYS and pretended everything was super. I hated the idea of being so vulnerable and defeated. Talk about a fucking charade. When I finally couldn’t keep up the act anymore I told my friends and they were the best break up fix of all time. In short, if things aren’t going well (relationships, family, work) you have to know you can find (and give) support.
Friends tell you when you are being an asshole/moody/buzzkill/overly sensitive/crazy/pyscho bitch/whatever. And you know it is coming from love. Like I said before, better to have someone who loves you tell you than someone else (who hates you) say it behind your back. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells with your best friends. That’s what co-workers are for, save the chivalries for acquaintances or distant relatives. No need to sugar coat shit.
Friends read my blog. Everyday. Every hour. Got that bitches? Just kidding… not really.
This post is so Rev Run of me (minus the excessive f-bombs) #preachgirl