So we have already covered the epidemic sweeping the nation that is Haute Mess Selfies. But that was just the surface. Status updates, excess emoji’s, unnecessary song lyrics, fucking “inspirational” quotes, obvious pleas for sympathy, obvious pleas for compliments all contribute to Social Media Suicide. PLEASE STOP. OR GO ON, I can’t decide.
Let’s talk about status updates… We see 100’s of them every day. What you’re eating, what you’re thinking, where you are, who you’re with, what song your listening too. OY VEY. Sometimes when I am bored at home, waiting to hit the town I like to play a drinking game I invented called “Duck Duck Report” (Get it? Like Duck Duck Goose. Clarifying for my slow readers) I scroll through my newsfeed and every time I see some status or photo that makes me want to throw myself off a bridge due to secondhand embarrassment I take a sip of my cocktail. After enough sips, I also report people’s photos. It’s a really fun and an extremely emotionally gratifying game. Reporting photos on Facebook is totally anonymous – trust me I checked. Just because there isn’t any racial or religious discrimination, doesn’t make a kissy face photo with the caption “This is me <3” any less offensive. Yes that is you, taking photos of yourself, with your Lindero Canyon Middle School “Cougar Club” plaque in the background… alone. This isn’t a Maxim photo shoot babe. I definitely have certain go-to profiles that NEVER disappoint for this game. Reported, reported, reported. It’s so much fun I am getting warm inside just thinking about it. This game also works with Instagram…
The emo song lyric status. Sweet Jesus. See example: Jackie Schimmel is “But you didn’t have to cut me off. Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing. And I don’t even need your love. But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough. Now you’re just somebody that I used to know (somebody)” First of all, I have only heard the damn song 85,000 times on the radio so not only are you polluting my newsfeed, you are also completely unoriginal. At least quote something slightly off the radar let’s stay away from Top 40. Secondly, it’s blatantly obvious you are directing this to your recent ex-boyfriend and thirdly, THIS IS SO EMBARASSING. Listen, Sinead O’Connor get your shit together. Reported.
Next we have the overly confident (and completely unnecessary) status update. “Some guy bought me my froyo today and told me I should be a model lol” It’s a frozen yogurt not a crocodile Birkin Bag chill. Don’t try and downplay that gross display of social media with an LOL. Nobody’s thought process should be that if someone pays you a compliment, you need to update your status. Who does that? You see these all the time, so socially unacceptable. Your Facebook page isn’t a fucking vision board and some things are better kept to yourself. If your best self-promotion for potential suitors is fucking Facebook, you need to get out of the damn house.
Pity party status update. “I’m ready to find love, ready to give my heart to the one that deserves it. All these walls I have spent so much time building to protect my heart are begging to be knocked down. If only I could find someone willing to find a sledge hammer and fight for me and my lonely heart. I’m so sick of being alone :(” I mean I obviously made that up – but tell me you haven’t seen a scarily similar status. When I see statuses like that I virtually lose my appetite (great diet plan) Keep that shit on lock. What’s even worse is the terrible people who try and offer condolence via likes/comments “Don’t worry you will find love! You deserve it. You are gorgeous, smart and a total catch!” Ughhhhhh, you are doing exactly what they wanted you to. It is all so passive aggressive. If you want a damn boyfriend so badly hike up your boobs, brush your hair, go by a journal and get the fuck away from your computer. “3 years ago my cat Pixie passed away. Not a day goes by I don’t think about you. I am really missing your cuddles right meow” Oh my god. Shut up. Reported. Pity Party table for one, your reservation has been CANCELLED.
The MUSHY status “Today marks 1 year with the love of my life. Baby, you have made me who I am and I can’t imagine my life without you. You are my rock and the reason I sleep soundly every night and wake up with a smile. I love you more than life. Love, your baby” How adorable! Nothing says sincerity like a Facebook status to your lover. Save that $3.99 at Hallmark! Listen, I get mush. I want to squeeze my boyfriend’s face off he’s so adorable but I wouldn’t get all Shakespeare on his ass and publish a love note via FB. There is a time and place for that byproduct of mush and it definitely isn’t in a Facebook status. The mushy status is probably the LEAST offensive of all. Not reported – just really annoyed. Especially if you are under the age of 16.
Haute Mess Lesson: Status updates should not be confused with diary entries. Also you must play Duck Duck Report. Tonight.