Bitch Bible Book Report: “The Secret”

I read the book “The Secret” freshman year of college because everybody was talking about it. I can’t recall finding any significance in it, but totally pretended to love it because everyone else was losing their shit over it. I tried living my life through the principles of that dumb book and after spending an afternoon at the beach reading it, came home and found a fucking BAT in my dorm room. I’m not joking. I literally didn’t even know bats were a real thing outside of Frankenstein and Dracula movies. I blamed the incident solely on “The Secret” and distanced myself from the teachings immediately. Thank fucking God. We all saw “Pretty Wild” (and “The Bling Ring”) and how well that all worked out for those girls who were home-schooled lessons from “The Secret” and adopted those teachings as their religion… Did they envision heroin addiction and jail time?  Just sayin. Recently, I was trying to make myself seem slightly more intellectual by adding some books/bookshelves to my apartment. As I dusted off my (limited) collection of books, I came across “The Secret”.  I had forgotten all the hoopla surrounding it and decided to skim through. Cut to- me reading it cover to cover. I mean, a book? Yes. A religion? No. You would have to be one chromosome away or extremely mentally perturbed to agree with 100% of these devoid and self-serving ideals. There are parts I totally get, and some that get way too culty for my liking (The Secret > Scientology). Let’s do a quick book review shall we?

        Some principles of “The Secret” I am TOTALLY on board with is the free (and delusional) perception of expenses. I like to adapt the same delusion when I am shopping so it’s nice to find comfort in the following mantra’s plucked straight from the book.

“Do whatever it takes to feel good. The emotions of joy and happiness are powerful money magnets. Be happy now!” You got it! Get this bitch a block of cheese, a bottle of Vueve and a Bravo marathon. That should do the trick.

 “Visualize and imagine yourself spending all the money you want, as though you have it already.” Done and done.

“Know that you are perfect right now.” I mean… If you say so. I’ll take a compliment anyway I can get it.

“Speak, act, and think from the mindset of being wealthy now. Eliminate thoughts and words of lack such as ‘I can’t afford it’, ‘It is too expensive’.” Now this is some shit I can get my head around. Anything that validates irresponsible purchases is A-OK by me!

“Do not expect others to behave in a way you want, so you will be happy. Release yourself forevermore and know that you alone control your happiness and it is a choice, no matter what anyone else is doing.” I can get on board with this. Do you, girl. (ehem: Me, Myself and I)

       Some principles of “The Secret” I am TOTALLY not on board with is robbing celebrity homes. Oh, AND the following plucked directly from “The Secret” enjoy…

“Do not speak of your illness or disease with others ever.” What if you contract an STD? Can you not see a physician? Think about herpes…this seems unreasonable.

“Know you have the power within you to heal yourself.” Again, herpes comes to mind. Mentally, I could say this principle is true. But herpes, that shit doesn’t heal. For the record, I do not have herpes it’s just incredibly relevant in this particular post. #sorrygrandma

“Know that there is no such thing as incurable.” One word: Herpes.

“Never criticize or blame yourself or anyone else for anything!” This just makes me angry. Its called accountability! If you kill an innocent child/person you should criticize, blame AND hate yourself because you are a terrible person. This ideal was obviously made to attract criminals. Gross.

“Resist nothing, love everything!” This is probably what got those Pretty Wild girls. Resist nothing? What about rape? Hard drugs? Money laundering? Theft? NOTHING??? I’m sorry but that is some of the dumbest shit I have ever heard. No, just no.

I would like to say to the Editors of “The Secret” cool it with the fucking exclamation points. It feels like you are yelling at me and it is creeping me out. Send any good Book Report suggestions to xx


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