Ask the Bitch

Sorry this has taken so long, I have been next level lazy this past week. I LOVE all the Haute Mess Help emails I have received and promise to (eventually) respond to all of them (unless they are really dumb). Here we go…

“ Hi Jack (nickname status already?) I watched your happy hour video and wanted to know if you had any good nonalcoholic drink recipes, something that is still festive so my friend doesn’t feel excluded. She just got over a drinking problem so not the best idea to tempt her with mojitos lol. Thanks – Anna

Anna, I try not to mingle with recently recovering alcoholics at all costs but for the sake of being helpful can provide some mocktail recipes. I would probably keep it simple like soda water with a splash of cranberry in a tumbler with lime wedge. For me it’s all about a garnish. I think if you make something too elaborate with umbrellas and monkeys coming out of the glass you may be drawing too much attention to your sober friend Lindsay Lohan. Maybe a “Promises Punch” “Rehab Russian” or even a “Sober Sex on the Beach”? Hope that helps.

“ Hey! I love your blog (thank you!!) especially haute mess for hundred. I am meeting my boyfriends parents this weekend for the first time and they are really conservative. My boyfriend has been warning me I will need to dress more modestly then usual and it has been stressing me out. We are going for lunch this weekend at their hotel, what should I wear? x G” 

Hi “G”. If I were you I would keep it simple with some latex thigh high boots and maybe some hot pants and a rhinestoned bra. Kidding. Don’t stress, wear some dark jeans, heels or wedges and a cute blouse. Why is your boyfriend giving you such a hard time? Do you wear a see through mesh body suit every day? Are his parents Amish? I hate when guys tell girls what to wear, know your place. Boring. Tell him if he is so worried about your ensemble, he can go to Ann Taylor and buy you a Barbara Walters skirt suit. Or better yet, a Chanel tweed suit.

And the best for last… What. The. Fuck. “Do you have any sexy single friends, wanna hook me up 😉 i am 5’9, built and love a good time. I will send pics if you think of  a good match 🙂 xxx”

Dear future Megan’s law register, yes and definitely not. Please do not send pics – or do if you want them published. I would like a looksie . Simmer down Pauly D, this isn’t fucking plenty of fish. And 5’9 isn’t very tall so cool it. But please continue to read my blog. I’m assuming you have a lot of free time on (and with) your hands to do so. Also I am offended by your winky face. (see Haute Mess Red Flags ) xo


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