Holy fuck balls, not even sure how to start this post because I haven’t slept in 72 hours and am ready to shank myself. For the past few days I have had the joy of starting work at 4 am… Yes you have read that correctly 4 AM. For some heinous reason (my company has offices in London and NYC) it is necessary to have 65% of our office in at the ungodly hour. I’m a usual 9-5 kind of gal but offered myself to cover for a girl I work with that is on vacation- bad fucking move. Firstly, I’m like an infant I require at LEAST 8 hours of sleep a night. Secondly, I am seriously evil when under slept. Thirdly everyone in office kept saying “JESUS you look tired” which is just a bitch way of saying I look like shit. One of my coworkers said (and I quote) “Shit, you look horrible…” thanks baby.
Needless to say, these past few days I have not been in my prime. Physically and mentally. Since its Friday and I’m all for self-indulgence, I made a plan to go across from my office, get a pedicure and tan by the pool at the nice hotel across the street. I mean I deserve it, working is so overrated. Plus I might as well utilize getting off work at 1pm. After my pedicure I channeled my best “hotel guest” aura and crashed the pool scene. Naturally I befriended a fabulous older gay couple and was summoned to their cabana. They had Vueve flowing like the Mississippi River. 2 things that instantly perk me up, Vueve and Gays. I had brought a bikini top from home and changed into it with some jean shorts. An hour and a half later and 2 (3) glasses (goblets) of champagne later I was totally feeling like I was on vacation. My new guncles (gay uncles) were loving me up and I had nearly forgotten that I was across from my office at a hotel pool that I had snuck into claiming “I was checking in and my room wasn’t ready yet”. Clearly feeling very in the moment (and very forgetful that I was in fact not wearing bikini bottoms) decided it was time for a swim. I stood up and absent-mindedly took off my shorts all while discussing how Rihanna is so overrated when my guncles started whistling at me. I was so oblivious and figured they were just checkin out my bod, ” Oh my god, you guys puh-lease! I’ve needed a serious stomach virus ever since I got back from Europe! You guys are crazy – but seriously what size would you guess I am? It’s not like I’m fat I’m just out of shape right? Whatever ! Like who’s body would you compare mine too? I can just get lipo or something, i just love cheese so much…” Amidst my rambling, it wasn’t until a gust of wind blew that I felt my bare tukus being exposed to the public. (For the record i was wearing undergarments, not pulling a Britney) In that moment I realized I had dropped trou in front of the entire pool. Ass out… what the hell. I am not someone who embarrasses easily but public nudity just isn’t my thing. I almost died. I scrambled for my shorts and knew I had to get the fuck out quick. Not really in the market for a public indecency ticket… My guncles were practically peeing their speedos. The entire pool area was staring at me like i was Tara Reid. I looked apologetically at our neighboring cabana, a quaint family of 5 from fucking Portland. Super….I would like to extend my deepest of apologies to the Century Plaza hotel for my discrepancy. I blame this entirely on my temporarily horrifying work schedule. One of my new gay friends snapped a pic of me as I scrambled for cover and I must maintain shrivel of pride I have left and not include in this post… maybe next week once I am less traumatized… #TGIF. Kill me.