At the birth of this blog, I was really adamant about not talking about celebrities. I know I have made minor jabs at Amanda Bynes and Kim Kardashian… but they aren’t fucking celebrities in my book. Sometimes I think about celebrities I would totally want to be friends with. People I think I would just “vibe” with you know? Like Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, Charlize Theron, Neil Patrick Harris, Mel Gibson (kidding), Kim Zolciak. Then there are certain celebrities who just bug the shit out of me… like the following.
Taylor Swift -Oh look at me in my retro dresses, red lipstick and cat memorabilia. Isn’t it ironic that I work a bang but won’t actually bang any of the A-listers I date. Hehehe! And that’s why everyone dumps me and then I bust out my bedazzled guitar and write a song about it then my mom and I bake pies hehe! Gag me T Swift. Your stage presence is awkward and when you try and dance with your long limbs I get nervous one of them will become dislocated as you whip them around without the slightest bit of rhythm. At least the girl found a straightening iron and stopped wearing cowboy boots. That shit was getting real old real fast. You know what else is getting old, every time she acts so surprised when she wins an award. Like, DUH. Side note: the song Love Story literally makes me want to throw myself down a flight of stairs. Twice.
Chloë Grace Moretz – First off, I don’t like when people feel it necessary to include their middle name. It’s unnecessary. Secondly, I doubt a girl from Georgia was born with those 2 dots over the “e” in “Chloë”. That was blatantly a showbiz add on which really pisses me off. I know it’s wrong to target a 14 year old girl but she acts like she is 35 years old. Someone needs to read the Dakotah Fanning handbook asap. She just irks me, I’m a really good judge of character and she seems like such a snooty little bitch. Go get a coloring book and stop being so mature weirdo.
Kristen Stewart – Fucking smile. You dated Rob Pattinson, made a gajillion dollars and get to wear Zuhair Muhrad custom JUMPSUITS. What in the world could be so farbissina about? You’re a goddamn actress at least fake it. Cool it with the indie shit, I’m so over it.
Miley Cyrus – No explanation necessary. Even though you “caaaaan’t stop” and you “woooon’t stop”, you SHOULD stop.
Anne Hathaway – My cousin Joanna was the pioneer woman for the movement that is Ban- Anne Hathaway. I feel like at any given second she will burst into song or a monologue, she seems like such a pain in the ass. I feel like she is lacking authenticity and her short stint at romantic comedies was a bust. She just isn’t likable enough to be really funny. Or maybe she is just too good of an actress? I don’t know I flip flop on this one. Her Oscar speech sealed the deal for me, she always seems like she is acting and I’m not into her Kris Jenner haircut.
Blake Lively – This is really hard for me to say because Blake Lively is my girl crush. I hate when celebrities try to prove how boring and normal they are. Or how they never exercise. Or how much they LOVE to eat junk food. Blake Lively does all 3 of these things in excess. Firstly, you hang out with Karl Lagerfield on the reg so I wouldn’t exactly say your social calendar is “boring”. A couple weeks ago I stayed in with a grilled cheese sandwich, put on a hair mask and watched “Sharknado”. Bitch, please. This is what turned me, an interview she did with Glamour magazine sometime last year “I eat cupcakes and I don’t work out!” Lively admitted, laughing. LOL gIrL. That’s hilarious! And even if that IS true, are you trying to make every teenage fat girl want to go jump off a cliff? Helllo! Get it together B. ( I still think you are really hot and an amazing dresser xo)