Hipster Bitch

I’d like to go on record and say I am not currently nor ever will be a hipster. It has been something I have struggled with for a while. When I head east of La Brea I instantly feel anxiety and start majorly regretting my overuse of face shimmer. I try and blend in by discussing small budget films, how underrated the banjo is and how Thom Yorke is my total dream guy. I refuse to wear floral head wreaths, gag at the thought of flannel and would rather eat a newborn baby then wear platform doc martens. My Jew do won’t oblige to a middle part and wearing a Charlie Chaplin hat is just not going to happen. I do not get the thought process of refusal to spend more than $2 on a flea market t-shirt but will drop $8 on a totally organic latte made with non-conflict coffee beans. No comprendo. When did this hipster epidemic start and when the fuck did I get so uncool. After some analysis I have concluded some of the fundamentals of hipsterness.

  • Thrift Stores – Listen I love me a good bargain. Loehmans is one of my favorite past times for recreational shopping but scavenging the trenches of the Rose Bowl flea market for an old ripped up Sex Pistols shirt makes me nervous and veklempt.
  • Vintage Chanel bags – I appreciate the juxtapose of the designer bag with the hipster mentality. Well done hipsters.
  • High Rise Denim Cut-offs – This is a major wardrobe staple for the hipsters, bonus points for lighter shades of denim. The more ripped and the more ass cheek hanging out – the better!
  • Combat and/or Doc Marten Boots – No explanation necessary.
  • Farmers Markets – Hipsters get a boner for organic locally grown produce. You can quote me on that. They also like sunflowers.
  • Disheveled Hair – The hair is an intricate part of the hipster persona, it’s either really short, really long, really light, really dark or really messy. Bonus points for the extreme side bag – you know when you part your hair deep to one side then unwillingly force your hair to the opposite side of your face. Used to be a big hit in highschool? May be more of an emo thing than hipster I don’t know.
  • The Vacant Selfie – Looks like it was taken professionally but is clearly self shot. If it is a smiling shot it always “candid” while eyes are closed looking away or its my favorite dead pan stare. I live for these. I tried recreating one for the sake of the post but look way too constipated and downs to publish. Sorry.
  • Dream catchers – I am not really sure why I included these. They just seem very hipster. Moving on.
  • Crop Top – What is more tried and true than a crop top? FUCKING NOTHING. Why have a full length top when it could be cropped? Duh.
  • Fake Opticals – Oy vey, as someone who is legally blind I can’t grasp the concept of wanting to wear fake spectacles. Is it too look smart? Fashionable? Visually impaired – I don’t know.
  • Jeffrey Campbell – People lose their shit for this stuff. Sometimes I get it, although I may just be saying that to be nice. I don’t think I get the hype. Or maybe I do. I am not comfortable enough to make an honest opinion… I am sorry.
  • “Hattitude” – Hats are to hipsters what Tiaras are to ancient royalty. Or salt to the ocean. Regardless of fahrenheit hipsters will work the shit out of a beanie in any and all climates. The bigger the brim the closer to God. That doesn’t make any sense.
  • Quinoa – “I am literally OBSESSED with quinoa!” No one should be passionate about quinoa. I actually enjoy quinoa given its health benefits. I wouldn’t say I lose my shit for it, it’s like a small puffed grain. All hipsters love quinoa – show me one that doesn’t. Seriously
  • Headgear– You know the string around the head, the floral wreath, the turban. All hipster headgear. I personally am dying for one of those crystal Cleopatra headpieces but don’t want people to get the wrong idea and start thinking I am into nature and shit.
  • Socks – Hipster’s love socks. Knee socks, printed socks, socks with bows. I like a basic Kirkland ankle sock personally.

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I kinda wish I could be a hipster… a girl can dream right?

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