People can annoy me so much. I like to think of myself as very laid back and non-confrontational at least on the exterior. I never fight with any of my friends and mostly save my crazy to myself, my immediate family or my boyfriend. I woke up this morning really on a bender. I like to think it’s just pent up sexual tension from seeing the One Direction movie last night but who knows. I already flipped off 2 people in the car and was verbally assaulting (windows up) a pedestrian taking their sweet time crossing the street. Which leads me to my first offender(s).
“Speed” walkers– Someone needs to redefine the term “speed walking” asap. Just because you move your arms faster doesn’t mean you seem like your exerting more energy and def not burning more calories. Trust me, I used to buy cute workout clothes and wear them around town to give of the façade that I was fit. Walking at ½ mile per hour speed is not getting you bikini ready. I am no Jillian Michaels but come on, at least I don’t parade around Los Angeles with a fupa and built in bra top pretending to lead a healthy lifestyle.
Insect Pro-life Activists– I have a bite on my leg the size of South Korea that is itching like a mother fucker. I don’t care about the ecosystem – kill the fucking bug. You know those people who want to “save it” and then let it “free”? Let it free where? It’s a damn bug, it’s not being held hostage in your home and by setting it free you are giving it the chance to return to their ocean side estate in Laguna. I knew a girl from highschool that cried when I killed a daddy long legs in my history class. Really? Tears? Pick a new platform and grow a pair.
Mooch – The mooch is by far the most offensive type of person for me personally. Due to my fiscal irresponsibility, I am very generous. I love buying things for myself and people I love and have to make a conscience effort to remind myself I am not P Diddy. Most of my friends are the same way so it drives me mental to be around people who blatantly take advantage of other’s fortunes. A mooch is not limited to taking advantage of financial position. Most mooches can drain you for all your worth. Time, emotions, meals, sanity, shelter and feel entitled to it. Going to someone’s for dinner? Pick up some 2 buck chuck, offer to help, offer to give lap dances to fellow party guests, pick some flowers from your neighbors garden to bring, sing a pre-dinner song. The moral of this story is reciprocation, the saying is “give and take” not “take and take”.
Poolside Heels – Like I have said, shoes are my thing. I consider myself a collector. HOWEVER, I can’t get on board with people who wear high heels to the pool. I mean really? Usually I respect that kind of chutzpah but it is a safety hazard and unless your fucking Coco just chill on the bikini and heels. It freaks my freak.
Money Talkers – This is a sub category of the mooch. I cannot stand when people talk about money. If you have it, you don’t have it, you had it, you lost it, doesn’t matter. If I had $2 in my bank account I would never talk about it at a dinner party. Maybe I would be too busy scavenging through people’s purses or shoving food in my purse but it’s just a total buzzkill. Given my shoe void I hope this doesn’t seem hypocritical but if you have to promote (or demote) your financial situation you may need to get a new ice breaker… or hobby… or a diary so you don’t have to keep talking about it in public. Just sayin. It’s so wildly uncomfortable and next level social faux pas #thenextemilypost.
Road Trip Connoisseurs – Some people get the biggest heart boner for road trips. They say its great family bonding time! You get to see the sights! It’s not about the destination, it’s the journey! No. For me it’s about the destination, and being suffocated in a car for 10 hours is not my idea of a journey. When I think of road trips I think of open fields, urinating in cups and inhaling the scent of fast food for way too long. My family drove to San Francisco once and it was a Christmas miracle I didn’t jump out of the moving car after 4 hours in. Anyone who says they would rather drive 10 hours for one destination then fly for an hour is a dirty liar.
“Sup” – Can we all make unanimous decision and ban this saying forever. I know someone (I hope your reading this) whose conversation starter is always “Sup”. Is that the same thing as hi or how are you? I never know how to respond. “Sup” technically translates to “what’s up” in the language of douche. I always end up reverting back to 7th grade instant messenger dialogue and feel like saying “n2m” which makes me HATE myself.
I have so many more but I am getting all worked up rehashing all this inner anger and need to go find my happy place. Please send anything that bugs the shit out of you, makes you giddy with joy or stuff/stories you want me to write about to firstname.lastname@example.org or tweet to @jackieschimmel.