Cocktail Analysis – Ladies Edition

As a social observer, I am always wondering what kind of women order what kind of drinks. I have never been extremely experimental with my beverage options but after some very extensive research, I have made some scientific conclusions about what your GO-TO drink says about your personality. I should be clear that this is based on your ultimate drink of choice at a bar or other drinking encouraged environment. We aren’t talking a hit it and quit it relationship, this cocktail is your main bitch. These observations are only geared towards LADIES, there will be a mens edition later. Clearly a woman who’s go-to  is champagne and a man who’s go-to is champagne are two entirely different situations. She is prissy and he probably is a huge mo… Duh.

Champagne – Oh my! (Heather Dubrow reference) Ordering champagne at a bar is like painting a big red x on your face for all potential suitors. I have a few guidelines when it comes to drinking champagne. Drink it at brunch, drink it with your girls, drink if you are celebrating, drink it if it’s expensive or drink if it’s free. The end. It aint fancy if it’s Andre girl.

Wine – Friendly, girly, nice – sometimes too nice. Loves The Bachelor and probably thinks Taylor Swift is really pretty. Loves an emoji. May or may not have serious love affair with frozen yogurt and could still own a pair of True Religion jeans.

Beer – Guys love a girl that drinks beer. Fun, go with the flow kind of girl. Not someone who gets super sloppy. Wears jean shorts a lot. That’s all I have. I personally don’t trust girls who can’t drink a beer. It’s a character flaw.

Tequila (on the rocks)  – I had to specify on the rocks because this person is very different than someone who drinks margaritas. Obvi. My kinda girl, I can’t roll with tequila but appreciate this type of liquid commitment. No mixer, no problem.

Whiskey Drinks – Wears crop tops. Has definitely vacationed at a Lake at one point in time (Havasu, Tahoe, Laughlin? Is that a a lake?) Thinks platform shoes (circa Spice Girls) are making a big comeback.  Definitely not a Jew. Jewish bitches don’t drink whiskey. ** I have many friends who busted my ass for this. I had one person in mind while writing this and I apologize #backpedaling.

Mojito/Margarita – I like a mojito/margarita kind of girl. Firstly, I live for a garnish and mint is very refreshing. Secondly, I find the mojito/margarita girl to not be super health conscience which I love because nothing is more of a buzzkill than a calorie counter (I’m talking to you Vodka Soda’s).

Vodka Soda (or any alcohol + soda water) – Buzzkill. That can’t taste good, your drinking carbonated alcohol. At least add some cranberry, or just go big with no frills and drink it straight. Can I get an amen?

Dirty Martini – HUGE pain in the ass, high maintenance yet delightfully witty and ballsy (this all applicable to me because this is my drink).

Long Island Iced Tea – Balls to the walls. Always has a karaoke song/choreography prepared given the opportunity presents it self. Love this kind of girl, from a distance at least. My ex boyfriend drank 2 Long Island’s one night out and puked all over my bed, floor and favorite jacket so I still have negative feelings about anyone with male genitalia who drinks them ( If you are reading this, I still pinpoint this as the ultimate demise of our relationship. That and and the fact that the only date we had in college –yes singular– was to CPK xo)

Anything Blue – Get your shit together.



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