Stage Names

Sorry I have been MIA. I have been writing my first official Haute Mess Handbook on dating and relationships – while simultaneously writing all my inevitable apology letters to ex-boyfriends in the process. I don’t want to sound like an asshole, but I can’t wait for everyone to read. To quote past Degrassi High commercials, “it goes there.”

Last night I did a really fucked up thing. I can’t believe I am even broadcasting this type of shame but I need to take ownership for what I ALMOST did. I was on the brink of changing my Facebook name to a Facebook stage name. A Facebook stage name is when you swap out your last name for your middle name OR you just balls out change your name à la Anna Nicole (formerly Vicky Lynn). I totally get why people do this. I have gotten some weird ass friend requests recently and professionally its probably a good idea to fly under the radar (something I clearly need to work on).  Also if you have a very common name it is a way to distinguish yourself but that’s CLEARLY only applicable to gentiles (Smiths, Jones, Johnsons, Millers) And lastly, it’s just fucking glamorous. In the same regard, who the fuck do I think I am to change my name from Jackie Schimmel to Jackie Taylor? I can’t use any of the above excuses. Some girls can totally pull this off, and I respect that. I unfortunately am just not one of them. I also can’t pull off red lipstick, sexy halloween costumes or headbands which really fucked me up during the Blair Waldorf era. I think it’s really important as a human being to know what kind of shit you can “pull off” dont you? Moving on.

Trust me, this is not the first time I have dabbled in stage names. My best friends and immediate family refer to me as Baby. I am not exactly sure how this came about, there has to be some Dirty Dancing connection but I can’t find the link. I’m always addressed in third person “Where does Baby feel like having dinner?”  “Does Baby want to pick me up?”  “Could you please have Baby call me back” that’s my inner circle alter ego #sashafierce. When my parents or best friends call me I promptly answer the phone “Baby’s Phone” and then they will politely ask to speak with Baby. Depending on what kind of mood I am in I will either take a message for her or say “Please hold while I transfer you!” press a few buttons to make  beep sounds, then sing a gorgeous rendition of Justin Biebers “Baby” (hold music, duh) until Baby gets to the phone…That’s normal right?

I have always figured my public stage name would be Jackie Schimmer, you know just dropping the L and swapping with an R. Can you imagine the branding opportunities I would have?!? Schimmer Beauty, Schimmer Home Décor, Schimmer Clothing, Schimmer Feminine Products. Pretty to die for if you ask me.  Think of the inspirational quotes I could bust out, “Why Shine When You Can SCHIMMER!” Can you say book tour? Cause I fucking can. SO anyways, I went to my Facebook settings and actually typed in “Jackie Taylor” (I am literally gagging as I type this – so much shame) and the second I clicked SAVE was overwhelmed by shame and disgust (Jackie Taylor sounds like a Teen Mom’s pornstar name- not ideal). I immediately undid my wrongdoing and proudly added my Schimmel back. Which means “White Horse” in German FYI.  Take that Heidi Klum. I then decided to purge myself of guilt by making a tray of chocolate covered strawberries which I ate in bed while watching the Anna Nicole Smith movie on Lifetime which made the whole experience very therapeutic. Vicky Lynn –> Anna Nicole. Jackie Schimmel –> Jackie Taylor –>Jackie “shameful” Schimmel.

 #AufWiedersehen

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