Jackie and The Pussy Cats

I fucking hate cats. All of them. I also hate when people say, “TRUST ME, you would LOVE my cat” or “but seriously, my cat is just like a dog”. Really? No it’s not because its a goddamn cat. If one of the top attributes of your pet pussy is that it’s behavior mimics a dog’s, then you should just go get a mother effin dog instead. Let’s get to the root of this hatred… Firstly, I remember being a small child and my great grandmother having cats. We used to call her Grandma with the Kitty and we would go over to her house and I can still remember the overwhelming smell of cigarettes and cat litter. I used to love going there for the candy but was always on the verge of shitting my pants every time that freaky cat snuck up on my lap. I don’t remember much of “Grandma with the Kitty” except her aversion to Jews (my father), her extensive thimble collection and her god damn cat. This is my first recollection of disliking cats.

My second memory of a feline encounter is a story that started well and ended in shit… literally. The only cat I can say I ever loved was my cousin’s Persian kitty named Chandler Bing. My Aunt Christina only allowed Chandler into the family because he matched the home decor. I was pretty fond of Channy until one tragic incident after my cousin’s birthday party when I had to pull a balloon string out of his asshole. Yes you read that correctly….Clearly little Chandler was hungry and decided to ingest one of the popped balloons (and ribbon attached). No one suspected any wrong doing on Chandler’s part until he was casually prowling around the house with about 4 inches of string trailing behind him. I remember wishfully thinking that maybe the scrap of string was just tangled in his fur adjacent to his backdoor. Much to my dismay, this was not the case. It was quickly revealed that the string was coming directly FROM his asshole and family wide panic set in. I was very adamant that the balloon would come out naturally within his next 8 or 9 bowel movements. For some reason, my aunt was convinced the string was not going to digest properly and cause fatal health issues to her beloved Persian pussy. She tried to sucker all of us into pulling the string out. I remember thinking she HAD to be kidding. Aunt Christina bribed me with a shopping spree (and man was she good for it – totally worth the trauma) to extract the string from his rectal. Free clothes? Done and done. Baby always succumbs to bribery. I put on a pair of dishwashing gloves and pulled that fucking balloon string out of the forbidden orifice inch by inch. I cried and screamed the entire time. Channy just kept looking at me snarling while my aunt and cousins cried with laughter, fear and amusement. Our relationship was never the same and from that moment on Chandler would hiss and bite my ankles every time he saw me. This horrifying experience contributed greatly to my hatred of cats… and balloons.Okay, enough with this sick trip down memory lane. Deep breaths.

Cats also are a huge social symbol for women everywhere, and NOT in a good way. Lady with a bunch of dogs? Adorbs. Lady with a bunch of cats? Sad as a Nicholas Sparks novel. Tay Swift take this as a precaution, your whole cat loving schtick is fine now but give it 30 years. No one wants to bang a girl with 76 cats. It’s called a mother fucking red flag. You can love them, dream about them, have a full throttle kitten freak fest. You bust out that kitty sweater girl, go cat crazy! But please do it alone. Which I am assuming won’t be difficult since it may be your only option.

Can we also talk about litter boxes ? How disgraceful, they shit in a box INSIDE your home and then they hide it from you? What kinda loyalty is that? Whoever invented the litter box should be seriously ashamed of themselves. That’s the best you could do?

The only thing I can say I appreciate about cats are their appetite for birds because as much as I hate cats I HATE birds (Reference Haute Mess Phobia) They don’t show you any affection, we already discussed their deceitful bathroom habits AND they are total assholes. Maybe I have just been burned one too many times by the Pussy cat’s in my life, maybe it’s my serious aggravation with the litter box or maybe I just can’t come back from exploring the contents of Chandler Bing’s asshole… I just hate them.

The way we were...

The way we were…

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3 thoughts on “Jackie and The Pussy Cats

  1. cynthiamarroquin says:

    I feel you girl… I hate cats as well! My front door neighbor has about 12 cats and it is disgusting>.< their always coming over to OUR front an back yard and they do their business! It's gross, last time I stepped on some of their poop and it's was just aghhgh!!! So I know the feeling of disliking cats.

  2. Mimi says:

    Hey, that’s Puka. He was just like a dog. Did I just say he was just like a dog! Oops sorry. He was the cat I brought back from our ranch in Idaho. He survived the wilds of Idaho and came to Westlake and got eaten on the green belt by coyotes. A year later a black cat came back in my yard, although rather scruffy I kept in indoors and fed him trying to regain back his dog like personality . I tried for days, he just snarled at me. Poor guy I felt bad because I figured the last year had been rough in him. I was trying very hard to reabilitate him back to his former personality. About five days past, I walk in the back yard and heard a women calling and calling for her animal, she was crying and calling. I very quietly pulled a chair over to the fence and looked over. I see this women very distraught, so I felt sorry for her and asked her what happened. She had moved here a two weeks before and her 18 year old black cat was missing.
    Very embarrassing I had her cat locked in my house for 5 days. Papa said he didn’t think it was Puka, of course I thought he didn’t know what he was talking about. Lesson learned. Don’t steal the neighbors cat.

    • imahautemess says:

      Hahah I think I may have liked Puka!! I actually remember him too, cats just freak me out now. Good lesson Mimi. Never good idea to steal your neighbor’s pets. That will not get you a holiday card love you

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