Bitches Give Back

Listen I am no Mary fucking Poppins over here but when I see people be downright cruel to people who can’t defend themselves I get real hood real quick (Nene Leakes… #plonk). I have always thought this was a solid character trait of mine, but yesterday it got me in a bit of a scuffle with a geriatric see-you-next-Tuesday (yes I said it, not sorry).

Earlier yesterday morning I was doing my grocery run at the Gelson’s across the street from my office. As I pondered whether to buy the garlic or blue cheese stuffed martini olives for my après work cocktail, an 80-something year old woman in Lulu Lemon yoga pants and a seriously offensive banana clip entered my aisle. As she started perusing through the jarred pickles (which is ironic since she probably has 7 NON KOSHER dills shoved up her ass) a store custodian started mopping up the floor and cleaning the remnants of a spilled juice sample right next to us. He had the sweetest face and such looked so timid like a fresh shelter puppy. His name tag read “Jorge” and as he cleaned he kept his head down, eyes to the floor as to avoid eye contact with anyone. I eventually decided on the garlic stuffed and made my way to my home away from home, the cheese counter. As I was exiting the aisle I heard this miserable senior citizen hooker start to yell “Are you fucking kidding me” to my sweet amigo. He had accidentally spilled some of his cleaning solution on her seriously heinous suede orthopedic loafers.

He started immediately apologizing as best as he could (his English was a bit broken) and this fucking skeletor biatch would not stop barraging him with insults. “Learn to do your fucking job, I am going to report you to management. You are a fucking idiot.” No exaggerating, she was literally going crazy on Jorge. Witnessing this , my blood started to boil and I immediately stormed up to her to defend precious Jorge. I felt like the Elle Woods of the condiment aisle. “Excuse me, who the hell are you to speak to him like that? He said it was an accident and apologized.”  Her death glare then went from Jorge to me. “Who the hell asked you, this is none of your damn business.” She clearly was done with my intrusion of her verbal assault on poor Jorge and just went in on him even harder. She started foaming at the mouth and using majorly aggressive hand gestures “You’re only responsibility in life is to clean floors and you can’t even be mindful enough to not spill on good paying customers. I would better start filling out applications because I am bringing this up with Ronnie.” (I assume Ronnie is the store manager) Poor Jorge just put his head down and nodded. My heart broke for him and now this bitch was going to get it. I didn’t care how old she was I wanted to cut her. “Why don’t you leave this poor guy alone and carry on with your miserable life.” Where the hell did that come from? I was instantly really proud of myself and really scared all at the same time. It was my total Lizzie McGuire moment. Remember in The Lizzie McGuire Show when good ol Liz would stand up to mean girl Kate or make some profound speech that was super deep and righteous?

Okay moving on..  now this small tussle became a full-fledged scene. I usually would have just walked away and went and told the manager about the incident so nothing was mis-noted (which I did afterwards anyways) but now I had an audience and a mother fucking purpose. She came at with “Why don’t you mind your own god damn business you little girl. Get the hell out of here.” Oh no she dih-ent. Soon Elle Woods was gone and now I was about to get hood rat on this bitch. “He spilled on your shoe get over it. You should be thanking him because they are horrifying.” Thank God, I watch so many Real Housewive reunion shows… I was so ready to rumble with this bitch. Then she gave her final words with me “Fuck you.” I was pissed but did my best to seem unaffected and light hearted. I pushed out my best care free laughter, walked away and then turned around, made intense eye contact and said “Get a fucking life Grandma.” Boom. It was in my final diss I realized Jorge had totally fled the scene.

People say “the customer is always right” and I think that ideal is so pompous and a huge crock of BULLSHIT. Nothing pisses me off more than someone who disrespects people they assume to be “below” them socially or economically. It’s gross and unbecoming. I wrote this story yesterday and decided against publishing it because a) I didn’t want to exploit Jorge b) I am deathly afraid of that old bitch and c) I was afraid intensity of the argument would not translate. However, after our little incident I spoke with the manager to give my side of the story and contact info in case Cruella Deville decided to make a deal out of this. At about 9:30am this morning I received a call from the Gelson’s regional manager because she filed a fucking complaint and has been raising hell to Jorge. I spoke with rep for 20 minutes explaining what happened and how this woman most likely escaped a psyche ward. After a very convincing play by play, the rep got the picture and my weekly mitzvah was complete. He assured me Jorge would not suffer any consequences and his job was no way in jeopardy. I told the rep if I ever found out something happened to my boy Jorge, me and my 657 family members would all boycott Gelsons which would undoubtedly put huge strain on their annual revenue.

My mother has always told me you can tell everything about a person by how they treat a waiter or waitress or anyone in position that is serving /servicing you. People who are only kind to people who can do something for them are assholes. If I ever see that woman again I am pushing her down a flight of stairs… and then fleeing the scene. Justice for Jorge!

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