Bitch Needs a Spanx-ing

I have a haute mess confession to make, I am fucking obsessed with Spanx. I try to keep this infatuation on the down low because I don’t want people to feel like they are being deceived by my physique. In case you haven’t already noticed, I am literally a 63 year old woman trapped in a 23 year olds body (mentally not physically). I refer to my plethora of Reality TV shoes as my “stories” and get turned on by the idea of a chenille robe, a new Ina Garten cookbook and a glass of fine Rose. So fucking sue me.

I don’t wear Spanx because I am unhappy with my body. I for the most part love what I am working with. I am able to maintain a somewhat svelte shape without physical exertion and for that I will be forever grateful. I have concluded that I am able to stay slim without dietary restrictions or exercise because I am batshit crazy and must be burning mad calories just trying to function like a normal human being. Think about it, every crazy person you know is fucking skinny as shit. Mental instability = skinny bitch. That ladies and gentleman is what we call a classic silver lining. Aaah yes, life is so much easier when you are delusional.

I never thought my Spanx love was an issue, I have been wearing them as long as I can remember. For me, it feels like a great big hug wrapped around my body, holding me tight and letting me know everything is okay. I can imagine being 15 years old parked in front of my tv watching E! fully engrossed in all the fashion tips and secrets of celebs walking the red carpet. I believe it was in one of those moments I was introduced to the life changing effects one can attain with the help of Spanx. Keep in mind at 15 I was a emaciated 87 pounds so I can’t imagine feeling like I needed to conceal any junk in the trunk. Especially since my trunk was emptier than Casey Anthony’s if you know what I mean… too soon? Sorry… #justiceforcaylee.

I remember on my 16th birthday I had gotten this seriously fabulous BCBG Runway dress, it was this amazeballs white chiffon, Grecian style gown and completely ridiculous for a 16 year old who’s biggest night on the town was a trip to the Topanga mall. Anyways, I was ready to rock that shit anywhere I could. I remember the guy I was dating at the time invited me over to watch a movie and “hang out”. I had just broke up with my boyfriend so on the rebound and very out of the loop with the whole casual “hang out”. He was older than me so I was nervous and unsure what to expect (my ex-boyfriend and I were always super PG). Of all moments, I felt this was the appropriate moment to bust out my dress. As any haute mess knows, chiffon tends to be sheer and with its clingy floor length style I decided it could only be worn with Spanx to smooth and conceal.(because what 16 year old doesn’t lust for a white gown). We are talking full on Bermuda, high rise, Kirstie Alley style Spanx. The second I put them on I felt like a woman. They gave me just the confidence I needed to sashay into my older boy toy’s detached 2 car garage turned bonus room (and by his I mean his parents… this is high school people).

As he greeted me at the side yard gate (classy) he looked at me confused as to why I would show up in a mock wedding gown. I lied and said I was just at a Charity dinner with my parents… because you know, I am SUPER charitable. After I dodged my first amateur missile we began watching “South Park”. For the record, I fucking hate “South Park” AND “Family Guy”. Every guy I have ever dated has tried to make me watch it and I am now comfortable enough in my own skin to stop the fake laughs and put on the record that I am just not that into it. Feel’s good to get that off my chest. As we watched “South Park”, him in basketball shorts and a tank top and me in a fucking wedding gown, we began making out. For the record anytime a guy wants to “watch a movie” or “hang out” in high school it just means make out. Unless the guy is a mo… or plays World of Warcraft. Anyways, as he began to lick my face home boy started getting a little handsy. I was kind of thrown off guard but figured it was going to happen sooner or later so I might as well push my limits to PG-13. I was clearly in some type of hormonal haze because I had completely forgotten about my age inappropriate shapewear. As he began groping me he felt the top of my girdle and asked me what kind of bra I was wearing. I wasn’t sure how to respond “Funny you should ask doll face, I am actually wearing full body shape wear! It really slims and trims my physique.” Talk about a buzz kill. I decided to dodge the question and his puberty stricken hands as best as I could. Once he copped a feel of my geriatric shape wear he was like a fucking Detective trying to solve the mystery of my undergarments. Slowly he began tracing the bottom seams of my girdle and proceeded to feel the muffin top my ribcage was experiencing from the Spanx (this tends to happen with spanx, it sucks your shit in so much you can get fat overflow)  This sounds way sexier than it actually was. He was basically just confirming that he had a prude 16 year old wearing a girdle on his hook up couch. Sexxxay. He then straight up asked me “Are you wearing a girdle?” I had no choice but to let the cat out of the bag. “Technically, it’s not a girdle. They are Spanx.” About 3.4 seconds later he let out a majorly forced yawn and said how tired he was. Home girl can take a hint… my gown and I exited gracefully which is hard to do when the guy you like knows you are wearing a glorified girdle. Needless to say, I put my Spanx collection on the backburner for my early college years and am proud to say they are now back in my life and better than ever. It doesn’t matter what size, weight, body type or color you are they are not only a wardrobe staple they are also a LIFE necessity. They have held my body during times of shame, grief, joy and celebration and for that I will be forever grateful.

spanx

Haute Mess Lesson: Spanx give you the hugs you never received, keeps your shit tight and are a fabulous alternative to a chastity belt. Ladies, get at em.

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