As we all know, Baby loves a good alliteration. So now I give you “Feedback Friday” a day that kicks off the weekend right and makes you feel better about yourself by hearing some of the nasty and downright aggressive reader feedback I receive. I am well accustomed to the standard offended reader email. Vegan’s, feminists, Miley Cyrus fan’s, people with morals etc. Since most of these emails come from complete strangers, I tend to brush them off pretty easily. In a sick way, I take their complaints as compliments because I am just way too lazy to ever do that sort of thing. And they are usually complaints/concerns wrapped in a compliment and for that I am forever grateful. A few nights ago I published one of the proofs from my “Haute Mess Handbook” cover shoot. I look like a sparkly homeless person 98% of the time so I get really excited when I have actual photographic evidence of me with both hair AND make up done. It’s very rare that I am able to have both looking on point so I really ham that shit up. I am not proud, it’s shameful and vain but at least I own it okay? So sue me. After posting the pic, a kid I went to high school with commented saying “Mmm yummy”. Well that’s awkward. Listen, I live and breathe for a compliment. I will take them anywhere I can get it. Sure it was creepy given the complete nonexistence of a friendship or any actual communication but dgaf. Thanks boo.
As I began analyzing the photo I realized that although the hair looked pretty lush and very gentile (how could it not? 68% of it isn’t mine) I was showcasing some armpit fat and impulsively deleted the pic. What happened next was so epic on so many levels. My self depricating photo delete had full on started a social media attack by a once admiring facebook “friend”. Blissfully unaware of my impending character and skill assassination, I jumped in the shower. As I washed my hair and face I innocently started wondering how I could remove that armpit fat and what other physical wonders I could have fixed with the magic of photoshop. Nose job? Chin implant? Lipo? #whitegirlproblems. I got out of the shower, put on my sole hydration socks and my new chenille robe. I truly felt so happy. My handbook is in full motion, I have a boyfriend that loves me even with my questionable house wear and I had a brand new pre-recorded episode of Real Housewives to watch. Does life get much better?
Then I looked at my phone. 8 missed calls. In 15 minutes. And 3 god damn voicemail. Are you fucking kidding me?
“Jackie. What the fuck? You have to say something back. Call me.”
“Holy balls is he fucking serious? Why haven’t you responded. Don’t be a pussy.”
“Jacks its me. Are you okay? Please call me if your upset and need to talk. He is just a bitter asshole, do not listen to him!”
Ummmmm… huh? I have never been so confused in my life. What the hell was going on? What could have possibly gone down in the 20 minutes I had shut my laptop and gone to take a shower? Then I opened my computer… I saw that precious little notification flag on my facebook home screen. The second I saw the length and serious anger radiating from my screen I immediately opened my iMovie so I could capture the moment raw. Here you go…
Firstly, my stomach hurt for days after reading this. I legit almost peed. And then all my friends who saw called me to make sure I was okay which made me laugh/need to pee even harder. When the hell did this kid become fuckin Michiko Kakutani (famous NY Times book critic) or Andre Leon Talley with the fashion advice? Bitter much? I fucking loved/love every word of this very public display of Haute Mess HATER and in fact am having the screenshot framed and put on my desk to further inspire me while i write my book that is being PUBLISHED regardless of your adorably irrelevant review. See you at the 10 year reunion boo. I’ll be the girl with a Haute Mess gift basket for you, big kiss. I have extended an offer for said critic to submit a guest post and he has yet to respond. I understand your latest edition of World of Warcraft is incredibly engrossing but the offer still stands if you can set aside some time. Happy Friday xoxo
Haute Mess Lesson: Being the bigger person is overrated.