Things To Burn In Your Closet Today

Last night a terrible thing happened. I officially maxed out any and all storage space for my clothes/handbags and shoes. My car is full, my entire under bed is storage, I had to purchase a bigger dresser (one of 3) and have slowly encroached on all of my boyfriends space. Last night I started storing some summer tunics where we keep the toilet paper inventory and I knew it was time to do a major clean out. I have officially gone too far. I wouldn’t say I am a clothing hoarder I prefer the term collector. It got me thinking about things that have either NEVER or that shamefully have owned.

True Religion Jeans – Calm down white girls. These had their day (nearly a decade ago). It’s time to move on… we know you spent $220 on them back in the 9th grade and saying goodbye is difficult but it truly is time to part ways.

Kitten Heels – These will be the death of me.. let me specify. Anything UNDER 2 ½ inches is a kitten heel in my book. I would rather wear Ziploc bags on my bare feet than be caught dead in a shoe 3 inches or below. Just wear a god damn flat if you can’t roll (Hello Fab Flats )

Ed Hardy – Do I even need to explain?

Drop Crotch Pants – I get that people think the drop crotch is very fashion forward but to me it just looks like you shit your pants or have a very low hanging labia.

Juicy Sweatsuits – Gretchen Rossi called and she wants her outfit back. I can’t deal… tracksuits in general give me anxiety but Juicy ones nearly put me in the ICU.

Handkerchief Hemlines- Are you long? Are you short? Was the seamstress drunk? I just don’t get it… pick a team. I hate indecisive hemlines it really hurts my feelings.

Pashminas – Unless you’re 13 years old on the Bar/Bat Mitzvah circuit circa 1998 you shouldn’t wear a fucking pashmina. As my Grandmother would say it makes you look “from hunger”.

Matchy Matchy – Remember that purple dress, that goes with the purple bag and the purple shoes and the cute purple drop earrings to match your purple eye shadow and purple undertoned lipstick? So do I and it makes me nauseous. Wearing one color head to toe is literally archaic and makes someone at any age look at least 15 years older and from a Bakersfield Church Group.

Moccasins – As a 1/8 Native American (at least that’s what my college apps said) I would like to go on record and say I don’t appreciate moccasin style flats and boots being made a fashion mockery. They aren’t real shoes they are just glorified suede slippers… totally unnecessary.

Uggs – Also no explanation needed. If you are in the snow fine I get it. But anywhere else it is so socially unacceptable. Now they are trying to hussle Uggs with sequins and bright colors and it is just desperate and sad. Like I said in my senior year book “Uggs are ug.” That happened to be very controversial at the time.

Velvet- I just hate velvet. Unless it’s like a sofa or pillow or carpet or something.

Bodycon Skirts – I am kind of anti-bandage clothing in general but am especially offended by those stretchy thin bodycon skirts. I know people like to wear them “up in da club” but they are just so blah and 98% so unflattering to people of all shapes and sizes.

Hipster Platforms – No one loves a hooker heel more than I do but clearly I missed the whole hipster fashion movement. We get it, your artsy, you love quinoa, crop tops, thrift shops, obscure instagram selfies, farmers markets and these are your shoe of choice. Can we just move on? Please?

There will definitely be a part duex to this… Leave more closet disgraces in comments below!


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