Some people live for the holiday season and others just want to jump off a bridge everytime the hear “Silent Night” play in every fucking store you enter starting in OCTOBER. I would like to go on record and say Christmas Music played any other days the December 24-25th should be illegal. “Jingle Bells” makes me want to shank myself in the face, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” makes me want to harm innocent children and “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause” is just perverted and fucked up. You might as well get therapy sessions as stocking stuffers after letting your children hear that holiday tune. (Jews-1 Gentiles-0). To be honest I still thought it was September until a few days ago when I received my company holiday party invitation which is only 1 month away. I get excited for any event that includes an open bar. I always feel like I am headed to a real fancy affair when I get to leave my flask at home. But let’s keep it real, you can’t dress like a hoe in front of your CEO, which means I gotta start brainstorming my ensemble. With Thanksgivukkah (Thanksgiving + Hanukkah) less than 3 weeks away (I KNOW) and Christmas in 6 weeks, bitch needs to get to work. Holiday parties are much different then dressing up for a normal party, probably because the celebration centers around religion. I mean, Jesus wore a loin cloth so I don’t get the judgmental looks when homegirl feels like wearing leather and cut outs. Right? Last year on Christmas Eve my uncle told me I looked like a high class prostitute… I took that as a compliment #prettywoman. Since I am always trying to mature and evolve and that is why this year I am making a conscience effort not to offend coworkers, relatives or innocent Jesus-loving passerby’s with my party wear. I have made a conscience effort to semi conceal the “girls”, find hemlines long enough to cover the labia and try to evoke the minimal amount of “class”. Here are some holiday party looks I put together that won’t get you a slap on the wrist from you HR department, won’t offend your elderly relatives and still are totally Haute Mess fabulous. (Click pic to enlarge)
Hoe, Hoe, Hoe.