Bitchy Holidays

Holy jingle balls. How come nobody told me Thanksgivukkah (Thanksgiving + Hanukkah = Thanksgivukkah duh) is next week?  And then Christmas? And then New Years? And then my all-time favorite Martin Luther King day? I tend to have a love hate relationship with the holiday season. The obvious upside for me is the gift giving. I fucking love getting presents, I also surprisingly love to give presents (especially ones that benefit me simultaneously). Family time is irrelevant because I am with my immediate and extended family all the fucking time. But seriously, I see my third cousins more than most people see their significant others. I semi enjoy the whole “spirit” of Christmas and the other holidays. I asked one of my gentile friends why she gets such a lady boner for the holiday season and this is her reasoning…”It’s just so festive. You get a tree, light the fire, dress all cozy, listen to the Christmas music, have big family dinner. It’s all just so fun and warm!”  No offense, but that doesn’t seem all that exciting. What a sad way to live that THAT’S the highlight of your year? Making small talk with distant relatives, dodging your creepy sixth cousin and awkwardly inquiring for gift receipts after said distant relative gives you a giftcard to fucking Hollister. Just a side note people- a giftcard from Abercrombie and Fitch, JC Penney, Hollister, Brighton or Bebe is not a gift…it’s a burden.

 I would like to go on record and say I take personal offense in Christmas themed apparel. Yesterday I saw a woman with LIGHT UP reindeer earrings on and I literally got nauseous and fought the urge to rip them straight from the lobe. Firstly, can we get through fucking Thanksgivukkah before we start busting out Sears finest Santa sweaters and heinous reindeer ear headbands? When I pass people with any form of seasonal memorabilia on I have to restrain myself from tackling them to the ground. Especially in fucking November. Pump the breaks bitch. I love a little pomp and circumstance, but walking around in some poly-blend sweater with a reindeer or Jesus or mother fucking Santa Clause will always make you look like an asshole.

Another aspect of the holidays that throws me into a serious downward spiral is the music. A song here and there on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day I can totally do. I’m not like the damn Grinch trying to shit all over Christmas. I actually love Christmas, my Grandma makes her world famous egg soufflés, my dad spikes the coffee with Baileys and we exchange gifts. And all to the sweet sounds of Mariah Carey’s Christmas album. Get it girl. When people start playing Christmas music 2 months before the actual holiday, it’s just debilitating. Shopping is a recreational pastime of mine. A way to decompress and fill any internal voids by making unnecessary purchases and certain department stores really do act as my safe place. This past week I decided to peruse the shoe department at Saks to see what new shoes I would blow my annual bonus on. As I approached these life altering pair of snakeskin sandals all of the sudden I heard “ JUST HEAR THOSE SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING RING TING TINGLING TOO” in a techno remix. I was instantly ejected from my shoe haze and wanted to find the annoying sales girl who put this shit on and cut her like bad bangs. Way to ruin what could’ve been a really financially irresponsible yet mentally rewarding afternoon for me. You festive bitch.

Okay so I was majorly jealous my family didn’t go balls to the walls with Christmas decorations as a kid. Since my mother converted, she likes to overcompensate for her first 25 years on earth by playing the super jew. We are not a particularly religious family, we are more cultural so I am pretty shocked my mom never let us get a proper Christmas tree. Instead we had the Hanukkah ficus tree. Way to be mediocre. My mother did however let us put lights on the house but ONLY if they were white. I remember as a kid being very adamant about using colored lights and even pushed investing in some light up reindeers to put on our front yard. That was definitely a no go. To quote my mother “Colored Christmas lights are for people on permanent welfare have horrible taste or don’t live in an area with a home owners association.” She has later clarified that people who live in chic Moroccan inspired homes can pull off a colored light and they are totally acceptable for a party if its theme appropriate. Phew. As I have (kinda) matured into my womanhood, I agree entirely with this declaration. I fucking hate colored Christmas lights. I live for a white twinkly light honey, but those big bulbed, multicolored, green wire Christmas lights are straight up ratchet.  And having an illuminated nativity scene on your front lawn is just aggressive.

**Editors Note: After reading this back I sound like I have really got my tinsel in a tangle.  I ultimately enjoy the holiday season quite a bit but still support the above frustrations.


4 thoughts on “Bitchy Holidays

  1. Jim Haas says:

    We’re on the same page with this one. Well said; no holiday music until after the turkey (or whatever) has been consumed, digested and passed through to the next world!!

  2. T-Bone Smith says:

    Well…..Miss Haute Mess, I was all up in it at Costco when trees were up before Halloween. I’m over it before it begun. But back off the lights sister, everything old in just considered vintage, and that’s haute!

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