Bitch Gives Thanks

In honor of Thanksgiving, I decided to write out things me and Haute Messes everywhere should be thankful for.

Zara – Although I am not super excited about their most recent Holiday Collection ( I was expecting a bit more sparkle and studs, less velvet and boxy cut plaid) I really love this store. They have the cutest flats, coats and dresses and won’t send you to the welfare line after indulging.

Prosciutto – Could a cured meat be more underrated? Prosciutto is totally the new salami, you can quote me on that. Jew-approved ham (kinda), deceivingly fancy and super delish. You go Proscuitto!

Santa Ana Winds – Anyone who knows me knows how much I live for a good Santa Ana wind. For those who are unfamiliar with the Santa Ana winds, these winds are a dry and warm wind that is optimal for bitches with jew hair (aka me). My hair stays frizz free and the dry winds really irritate my contact lenses which despite hurting the fuck out of my eye balls, makes them a little bloodshot which really accentuates my blue retina hues. Beauty is pain folks.

Vicki Gunvalson – Vicky… your Sky tops, summertime fur coats and chin implant will forever be in my heart. Woo-hoo girl, woo-hoo. Thank you for being such a steadfast source of entertainment for me.

Asians – What they lack in driving skills they clearly make up for in mathematics and designer travel wear. Gucci fanny packs, Prada back packs, Louis Vuitton luggage – all things I support full heartedly. They are always on time, make great lab partners and still appreciate the adorableness of Hello Kitty well past their adolescence. Their cuisine is amongst my favorite and I will forever be jealous of their silky straight hair. I also lose my shit for a Blasian (blonde Asian) and am not jaded to the rare magic of encountering them. Seriously… I get so excited. It’s like seeing a fucking unicorn and I am into it.

Flash Mobs- A few days ago I was in a horrible mood. I came home to find my Vanderpump Rules marathon didn’t effing record and while wrapping my Hanukkah presents I knocked over my dirty martini on my Macbook and it is now kaput. Life’s rough. The next day while grabbing lunch a fabulously gay flash mob broke out to “All I Want For Christmas Is You” by Queen Mariah (the only Xmas song I love year round) and as they danced their jingle balls off all my troubles seemed to disappear. One of my New Year’s resolutions is to be apart of a Britney Spears OR TLC flash mob. Could you just imagine a No Scrubs flash mob? Ughhhh heart boner.

Bagel Bites – I can’t begin to express my deep gratitude and genuine love I hold for Bagel Bites. They have gotten me through it all… Mischa Barton being killed of the OC, getting dumped, being next level menstrual or just really fucking hungry. People come and go, let you down and can leave you feeling less than satisfactory. Bagel Bites are always delicious, reliable and only $3.99.

Lifetime Movies – I have never been a huge Lifetime fan until this past year… First they gave Lilo the comeback of a lifetime (pun intended) with the critically acclaimed “Liz & Dick”, then they hit another home run with the touching “Anna Nicole” a beautiful train wreck, THEN they blew my fucking mind with the champagne chugging, coke snorting, mannish voiced assaulting goddess that IS Donatella Versace in “House of Versace”. Does life get much better than this? No.

On a serious note, I would like to give big thanks to everyone for reading, subscribing and sharing the haute mess love. I am SO grateful and excited for all the upcoming Haute Messiness I get to share with you and know how impossible it would be without everyone’s support and people who give a fuck enough to write hate mail.


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