Housewife Review: Lisa Vanderpump

People ask me all the time which Real Housewife cast I love most and I always say asking me that question is like Sophie’s Choice. How the hell am I to decide? I could never commit to a full cast but I definitely have my favorites from each franchise. I have been a Lisa fan to the core for the entirety of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. From wearing a tiara to her daughter’s wedding, getting shagged through a hedge backwards or labeling the DMV as “eclectic” and a “culture shock” – I live for underhanded racism– Lisa always had my heart. I have been through such an emotional roller coaster this past month re-establishing my (nonexistent) relationships with these women and assessing how I feel about them. I formulate most of my opinions and character evaluations based on the Reunion shows, where I feel they are being the most authentic. To keep you all in the loop here are my current character evaluations on each of these women (past and present).

  • Brandi Glanville –I think she says and does things for shock value and seems like a charade of what she thinks people will perceive as “sexy” or “wild”.
  • Kim Richards – Not going to lie… pretty obsessed with her. She is a total haute mess and I seriously want to go to a turtle farm with her. I don’t even mind her sobriety, it took a while for me to come to terms with but know I am on board. You go girl.
  • Kyle Richards – Again she does not offend me. I think her family is her priority and she is ultimately a girls girl. I don’t find her to be competitive, malicious or mean spirited. A tinge dramatic but hey, who isn’t?
  • Taylor Armstrong – Why did she have to go? I actually like Taylor. I think she is sincere and apologizes when she is wrong. She owns her shit and I respect that.
  • Camille Grammer – Again, why the hell did she leave the show? I loved her as a total bitch season 1 and as a excellently media trained peace maker season 2. Her dirty dancing was life changing. The only thing I don’t miss is her annoying screen grabbing companion DD who just made me want to punch my tv. Girl go home.
  • Adrienne Maloof – Although you introduced me to hair tinsel (something I was very passionate about circa 2010) your shenanigans last season really turned my opinion of you sour. I don’t miss you, your hair pieces or your fugly chef Bernie.
  • Carlton – Really with the bee murder? Not into it. You did realize you signed up to be on BRAVO right? Get of your high horse and chill boo.
  • Joyce – No problems.  I think she is pretty, bubbly and has great hair.
  • Yolanda- How baller was it when she told her hunger stricken daughter to have a couple almonds to ease hunger and “chew slowly”. That’s what we call good parenting. I generally don’t mind Yolanda and the times she has pissed me off I will just chalk up to “Lyme Brain”. Oy and her fucking lemons.

Lisa, I will continue to get my tuna tartar fix at Villa Blanca and discreetly stalk the staff of Vanderpump Rules at SUR. At least we have our memories together and this fan memorabilia aka my favorite article of clothing.lisa shirtIt really should be…

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