Last week my on the pulse sister introduced me to an app that has since changed my life and mental stability. Mother fucking Instafollow, if you do not have it already I highly recommend NOT downloading it because the constant monitoring of who newly follows you, unfollows you or YOU follow and they don’t care to follow you back is a sick emotional rollercoaster I have been desperately trying to get off for the past week. To put this in perspective for you, I have deleted and re-added this app 3 fucking times. I realize this may portray me as slightly delusional and desperately seeking approval from others… which is a very accurate assumption. I know in many of my posts I come off as someone who DGAFS big time, and in most situations this is true… however, that balls to the wall mentality I usually reserve for strangers. I don’t give a shit what people who have never met me write in an email. Their the loser sending a complete nobody hate mail ( I am talking to you Fem Group of LA). But Id be lying to deny that deep down in my core, I really prefer people to like me. Plain and simple. I think anyone who says they don’t feel the same way are full of shit. Unless you just super suck. If Saddam Hussein told me I had nice skin and made a mean frittata I would probably put him in my Top 8 circa 2003. It isn’t admirable but it’s totally true.
Living my emotional juxtapose of not caring at all what people think or say about me and secretly keeping my fingers crossed that with that carefree attitude they still adore me. Ugh… I totally need a life coachor like a spirit guide. #OY.
Anyways, back to the subject on hand…Instafollow. Basically this life ruiner app monitors who is still somewhat entertained by your daily whereabouts, who thinks you are annoying as fuck or who doesn’t even know who the hell you are. While my new followers have been on a steady increase, I also had to face the harsh list of my unfollowers. As I read the names of people who were no longer entertained by me, I began to mourn. I would say 91% of the people I didn’t know well, so I was able to cope with our break up. However the other 9% included friends, current co-workers (awkward) and even an old love interest. Talk about a cyber bitch slap.
Like any break-up, I started to obsessively dissect where I went wrong via my instagram posts. Too much self promotion? Definitely… but bitch I got shirts to sell. Obnoxious? Absolutely, never claimed to be anything less. Offensive? Minorly. But I mean its not like I think I’m fucking Anne Leibowitz shooting dumbass landscape pictures. I also am not some hipster taking TOTALLY NATURAL “candids” and trying to portray myself as some hippie love unicorn cause that just aint me. I don’t post mirror pics, would shoot myself before I duckfaced and don’t flaunt my (non existent) exercise routine so what the eff? I love small dogs, sequins, my new t-shirt line (YOU”RE WELCOME #plug), my sexy boyfriend and adult beverages so if you do not care to be privy to these things it’s totally your loss (slash please don’t unfollow me…) I will take the shrivel of shame I have left and delete (and immediately re-add) this mentally debilitating app. In life you win some and you lose some. I have now accepted the fact that no one will find me quite as interesting as I find myself #realtalk.
Haute Mess Mantra: It’s not you, it’s them… but it’s probably you. #boofuckinghoo