Bitch Bible Resolutions

Around this time, I like to reflect on my past year and see what improvements could be made. 2013 has been the best year of my life thus far and I feel 2014 will be EVEN BETTER. I have jotted down some of my resolutions for the upcoming year.

Start some form of exercise routine… Even if it is just opting to walk to the printer instead of rolling my desk chair to avoid any form of physical activity. I have said repeatedly the most activity I get  is my super effective Haute Mess thigh exercise. This exercise takes place on my lunch break when I have to use a public restroom and squat. My thighs start burning like a mother fucker. It really keeps my glutes tight and my public restroom visits few.  Doing this in heels is a total bitch and gets your tuccus very firm. TMI?

Stop having such negative feelings towards the following: Willow and Jayden Smith,  cottage cheese, True Religion jeans, pedestrians, unnecessarily deep Facebook statuses, Michael Kors watches, people who call the Jacuzzi “the spa”, vegans and emoji’s.Deep breaths.

Stop bringing empty water bottles to nice restaurants to fill with unfinished alcohol to take home. It’s tacky, unnecessary and extremely shameful to my inner circle. But I mean, I am a jew and I hate wasting anything. #philanthropist

Stop stalking ex-boyfriends, ex friends and ex coworkers on Instagram. Also be more mindful of the dangers of a double tap. I have had 3 incidents where after deep Insta-stalkage have gotten SO excited and worked up that my finger begins to twitch and I accidentally like one of their photos. This is not only a sign of low blood sugar but also incredibly creepy and totally un-defendable. (For the record, even if you immediately unlike the photo – the user will still receive notification. Not ideal)

Stop being such an impulsive biatch and actually PROOFREAD things before you post them for the sake of your readers and very concerned publishers who are concerned my filter free approach will alienate consumers for the first Haute Mess Handbook.

Refrain making Asian jokes in my companies accounting department. Apparently asking what time their “runch break” is offensive and a form of harrasment. My aporrogies.

Control the urge to roll my windows down and yell at pedestrians. No matter how many times I scream “IT’S CALLED A CROSSWALK!” or “GET A FUCKING CAR ” at those who travel by foot, the message never gets translated and makes me look like a huge asshole. But to be clear… pedestrians do not have the right away in my book. No cop, no stop… sometimes pedestrians need a little love tap.

Stop referencing Real Housewives plotline, characters and opening intro lines in social settings. Every time I drop a Vicki Gunvalson “WOOHOO” or sing a line like “don’t be tardy for the party” and tell my boo I’m heading to the market to pick up some “ingredientses” I come to the harsh realization that no one has a fucking clue what I’m talking about.  #bloop

Stop pantsing people in public, mainly my sister and boyfriend. Although I find this hilarious and incredibly emotionally satisfying it really embarrasses the victims, is socially unacceptable and immature.

Stop pretending I have the intention of abiding any of the above. What are your #hautemessresolutions?

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2 thoughts on “Bitch Bible Resolutions

    • imahautemess says:

      I think they are really great looking watches too! I don’t know there is just this one everyone and their mother has and everyone is so obsessed with them. Maybe I’m just bitter the only watch I want is a gold Rolex and I can’t have it!

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