I hope I don’t get my ass beat for saying this but I figured I would get one more passive aggressive post before the New Year. So… you’re welcome. Anyone with 2 eyes, a social media account of any sort and a pulse probably saw the major gag fest of posts about Brad Pitt’s open love letter to Angelina Jolie. Turns out the whole thing was a hoax which gave me more satisfaction than I care to embellish. Everyone and their fucking mother posted it on their Facebook walls and the estrogen that was radiating from my newsfeed almost prompted an early menstrual cycle. I mean seriously ladies… calm the eff down. I am still bitter about the Brad and Jen divorce. Remember that ladies? This guy we are all losing our shit over is the same man that had an affair with blood vile wearing Angelina Jolie and left America’s sweetheart. Due to my loyalties I have been boycotting watching “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” for a solid 8 years. I’m glad I got that off my chest. Did anyone actually read the letter? Let’s break it down.
“My wife got sick. She was constantly nervous because of problems at work, personal life, her failures and problems with children. She has lost 30 pounds and weighed about 90 pounds in her 35 years. She got very skinny, and was constantly crying.”
Boo fucking hoo. Maybe I am a super bitch but I didn’t find it even mildly heartfelt. Why did he have to first broadcast her weight? Total dick move, even though she was hovering at my goal weight 90lbs (kidding) what asshole reveals a women’s secret number. To keep you all up to speed a women’s secret number is her fucking weight not number of sexual partners… it’s almost 2014. Duh. Then we move to the oh so riveting paragraph number 2…
“She did not sleep well, falling asleep only in the morning and got tired very quickly during the day. Our relationship was on the verge of break up. Her beauty was leaving her somewhere, she had bags under her eyes, she was poking her head, and stopped taking care of herself. She refused to shoot the films and rejected any role. I lost hope and thought that we’ll get divorced soon…But then I decided to act on it. “
Wow ladies, what a fucking Cassanova. He decided he wouldn’t divorce her even with the bags under her eyes and rejected million dollar movie deals! My heart! It swells! Fucking gag me. That’s the dumbest shit I ever heard. Here we are as woman praising this dumb fuck on our Facebook pages creating some fictitious illusion of this heroic man. Then he starts to REALLY piss me off for making the driving home the entire premise of the letter – taking full credit for her “blossoming”. Ew.
“I began to pamper her with flowers, kisses and compliments. I surprised her and pleased her every minute. I gave her lots of gifts and lived just for her. I spoke in public only about her. I incorporated all themes in her direction. I praised her in front of her own and our mutual friends.You won’t believe it, but she blossomed. She became even better than before. She gained weight, was no longer nervous and she loved me even more than ever. I had no clue that she CAN love that much. And then I realized one thing: The woman is the reflection of her man. If you love her to the point of madness, she will become it.”
Somebody please explain to me how this is moving? Call me a see you next Tuesday but if someone wrote that about me I’d cut their ball off (just one, not both). Okay… so basically he gets to play Prince Charming for bringing the bitch some tulips and not divorcing her? So her victory is a direct reflection of his selfless basic chivalry? Sick bro. Is this all it takes to get some female admiration these days? Oy vey! Ladies, we need to get our shit together ASAP. This whole fake letter shenanigan proves that us ovary carriers need to recognize what is truly admirable in a man. Not simply fawn over some douche choosing to broadcast his chivalries on the internet. Haute Mess Lesson: Nothing is sincere about an open letter. Real men do nice shit all the time and don’t need it broadcast am I right? Trust me on that one, anything I do that is remotely kind I have to broadcast the shit out of because they are usually far and few in between. Just kidding…kinda.
I hope I don’t sound like a total chick with a dick but I was so frustrated with this letter and how quickly we are to venerate the man (Faux Brad Pitt) and then publicly showcase our lady boner over something so vakakta. Oh and can we all just once again rejoice that Brad Pitt never even fucking wrote this? If this doesn’t put me back in the Feminists of Los Angeles good graces I am shit out of ideas.