Willow Smith – Oy. Where do I even begin? I know on some level it is really wrong to publicly express my distaste for a child but can we even classify her as a child? She’s 13 and if she were a Jew she would already be considered an adult so I say it’s fair game. Scientology not looking so good for you know eh lil Willow? No 13 year old should have had the hairstyle evolution she has had or the self-confidence. It’s unnatural and unappealing – it’s called an awkward stage, embrace it boo. I will admit “Whip My Hair” was my fucking jam but after hearing Willow try and explain the symbolism of the song (at age 9) it really killed my vibe.
“Whip My Hair means don’t be afraid to be yourself, and don’t let anybody tell you that that’s wrong. Because the best thing is you.”
Wow, someone book this pre-teen for a Harvard commencement speech. Go play with your polly pocket and stop acting like your 30.
Birds – This is not a huge shock to anyone who knows me or reads my blog, but I fucking hate birds. I have no problem in saying I want them all to die. They are the rats of the sky and serve no purpose. They peck your feet, shit on your fresh blow dry and seriously fuck up my dining al fresco. Since I was a child I would wish every year for their eminent extinction while blowing out my birthday candles. When I see a road kill pigeon I get warm and tingly inside and I totally don’t care who knows it.
Lea Michele’s Bangs – Hugely unnecessary.
LinkedIn – Can someone please explain to me what the fuck LinkedIn even is? Not to sound like a complete moron but I legitimately only used it for the purpose of stalking my ex-boyfriends and tracking their professional success (or lack thereof). Any portal to track people and their career seems like something that would be totally up my alley but the whole layout is just so not appealing to me. I also am not fond of the fact that it tells you who has looked at your profile, not discreet.
Raves– I feel like a major trader to my generation but I seriously do not understand the whole rave scene. I live and breathe for a dance party do not get me wrong, LIVE AND BREATHE, but something about furry animal hats, bra’s (even embellished ones), candy necklaces and tutus makes me very veklpemt. If I am going to do a bunch of drugs I want to be in my favorite thermal pajama romper and aromatherapy socks with my best friends listening to Chumbawumba on REPEAT. Being in an arena with people sweating on me and touching me all while being cloaked in clothing from Hot Topic gives me a panic attack just THINKING about it.
Rehab – What is with everyone going to rehab? Zac Efron, Demi Lovato, Ke$ha, Lilo, Mischa Barton, Eva Mendes, Amanda Bynes, Britney Spears, Gerard Butler, Kirsten Dunst. Way to be a quitter (just kidding…kinda). I obviously understand the need for rehab given addiction or substance abuse issue that threatens your life but going to rehab for exhaustion? I call bullshit on that one. I have contemplated faking a substance abuse problem to take some paid time off work and spend a week at Promises in Malibu. The facilities look lovely and hopefully I would be able to upgrade to an ocean view room. The only downside would be the nature walks and I would be forced to listen to other people’s issues which isn’t really my deal.
Iceberg Lettuce – It is just water with a crunch. I am not a big salad fan to begin with. Salads as a main dish are for people on diets or people who are boring. I have made an active decision to cut people out of my life that order salads for every meal. YOU’RE BORING ME, get a steak bitch.
Jeggings – Just no. Camel toes and non-committal bottoms are a bad mix. Pick a fucking side jegging are you a denim or a legging? I don’t get you and I don’t support you.
Vanilla Ice Cream – Ugh. I get getting a craving for Vanilla here and there. It’s basic, traditional and dependable. It is a great foundation for toppings and can be a nice palate cleanser. HOWEVER, your go-to ice cream flavor says a lot about who you are in this world and no one should ever want to be a “vanilla” person. If you go on a date and the guy orders vanilla ice cream you might as well face the inevitable and get him some tampons, a Cher CD and a Grinder account.