The Bachelor Recap

OY VEY. What an emotional roller coaster. First Clare (I am convinced she dropped the i in “Claire” as part of her Bachelor stage name) and her DVD get the first one on one date. Too soon on the DVD joke? I seriously hope she made copies of that. What if it is just like an old Law & Order episode or something? Guess we will never know. I like Clare (and her DVD) although I feel some foreshadowing that she could end up being a real stage 7 clinger. She has nice hair and her veneers look surprisingly understated.  So Juan blind folds Clare-Bear (kinky) and whisks her away in his clearly temporary Maserati and takes her to their own winter wonderland in Malibu. In my fantasy spin off Bachelor show they would hire past cast offs to do the manual labor setting up all these over the top dates. Like could you just imagine Tierra from Sean’s season shoveling the fucking snow and Emily Maynard stringing the Christmas lights ugh, HEAVEN. They lace up their skates and hit the ice and let me tell you, nothing bonds a hetero couple like ice skating. Clare… what natural talent. Watch out, Kristi Yamaguchi you have some serious competition. The good news for Clare is that if this whole televised quest for love thing doesn’t work out she could be a total front runner for the Special Olympics ice skating competition. After Clare showcases her athleticism they decide to get in the hot tub and Clare proceeds to tell Juan Pablo how she lost her father and basically no man will ever live up to him and it clearly puts Juan in the mood because they start to eat each others faces. Calm your lady boner’s girl it gets better. THEN, they take it from the hot tub to the ice for a private performance by Josh Krajcik AND THEN IT FUCKING SNOWS. Of course it does.

The next one on one date is with Kat. And by date I mean my version of hell. Kat seems cute and sweet with a serious side of delusion. When she was talking about how she could see her life with him jetting off on private planes for spontaneous adventures I almost choked on my falafel balls. Sweetie, I don’t want to be the bear of bad news but if you end up being Mrs.Pablo nothing about you will be gallivanting around the world on a private jet. In fact you will be lucky if you get your own private car to an airport… it’s called a shuttle bus kitty Kat and it’s god awful. What does he do again? You know for like…work? Unfortunately being a single father doesn’t pay the bills or buy the pills. Let’s keep it real. So after the surrealness seeps in for Kitty Kat that she is on a real life private jet, Juan heads to the cock pit to put on his light up track suit and assumedly take a quick hit of acid to prep for his rave work out date. Juan gives Kitty some super chic neon workout clothes and she is PUMPED. She sees a cluster fuck of lights and runners outside the jet window and Juan tells her they are in Salt Lake City for the Electric Run. Oh hellllll no. Now this Latino has gone too far. Neon Spandex? Fine. MAKING ME EXCERSISE ON A FIRST DATE? Pretty terrible but it’s for charity so I can’t be a C-U-Next-Tuesday and say I wouldn’t do it (although I’d rather just make a donation). But chartering a jet and taking me to Mormon Mecca aka Salt Lake City? Deal breaker. No cussing, no alcohol, no caffeine = No Jackie. Lo siento Juan. Apparently, Kitty Kat is totally cool with it and is running and dancing around like fucking Sporty Spice. They awkwardly dance and grind and run with all those blinking sweaty people and it all just makes me uncomfortable. But I mean… good for them. Do you girl.

Now we get to the oh so exciting group date. I am not trying to pull a Dr.Phil over here but there has to be some deep rooted issues coming to fruition here. Why the fuck does Juan Pablo think it’s a good idea to have his harem of women dress up as dogs? Did I miss something here? And who assigned the costumes here? Why is Kelly dressed as a human stool with white spots? Or is she doing black face since ABC clearly didn’t recruit an ethnically diverse group of women AGAIN. WTF ? Crazy ass Lucy volunteers to be naked and Andi (personal favorite) is utterly confused by the purpose of this shoot. Juan gladly strips down and they awkwardly sexualize these poor dogs and censor Juan’s sphincter.

the-bachelor-juan-pablo-lead

It’s called mystery people. I was so bored with this part of the show I refilled my Vueve and took my non sexualized dog for a quick poop run. When I came back the crew had relocated to a rooftop pool area and Victoria was awkwardly air humping in the Jacuzzi. Now this is my kind of television.

Who else loves Victoria? Spin-off! Spin-off! What a fucking train wreck. My favorite line was when she repeatedly told the girls she gave Juan Pablo the “hymen maneuver” during the photo-shoot. Pardon? I am not certain I am acquainted with the first aid practice of the hymen maneuver but am incredibly curious. And that mom Renee is killing it right now. Shimmying under the stall door to get a front row to the crazy show, she tries to console psycho Victoria. She gets to be maternal and caring in front of America (I mean she clearly knows V is going home) and in juxtapose looks like she REALLY has her shit together. Kelly gets the group date rose for being shellacked in brown paint and Victoria has a full on Glen Close breakdown in the bathroom a la Fatal Attraction and I LOVED IT. “Juan Pablo, I hope you die!” Ugh, I can already smell the pending restraining order.

Amy, Chantel and MVP Victoria all went home and I sauntered off to bed feeling emotionally satisfied and excited for next week’s episode. Hope you enjoyed this recap and sorry if I spoiled the episode for you slash I am not sorry because who doesn’t watch The Bachelor same day of air? It’s called priorities people.

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4 comments

  1. Don’t even have a clue about any of these people, but I TOTALLY agree (odd?) with you. Regardless, you have made my day……love laughing at things I haven’t a clue about!!!!!

    Sent from my iPad

    >

  2. You make me laugh sooooooooooo hard and I never ever ever laugh at articles that are meant to be funny. Ever. You’re a freakin genius.

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