Wednesday Frustrations

Dumbo- Being dumb is not haute. It never has been, it never will be and it never should be. I am no rocket scientist over here but I am confident in my delusion that what I lack in intelligence I totally make up for in my mildly offensive sense of humor. Dumb people make me want to literally shank myself in the trachea. Or go see a Clay Aiken concert. Or be a vegan. All very suicidal choices. Why do girls think this is cute? Haute tip: it’s not. All we have in life is our words and our actions. Hopefully these work in unison but if they don’t  and all you have is your voice you better be ready to serve up some stimulating conversation.  I have always felt intelligence doesn’t have a lot to do with where you went to school, what you scored on your SAT or how many intellectual poetry readings you have attended. Quite frankly some of the “smartest” people I know are arrogant and socially awkward as fuck. Be decisive, know how to defend yourself, be articulate and if you have no clue what your annoying intellect friends are talking about just pretend you do. tumblr_m8vnyeFVsj1rtud6q

Sophia Bush – I would like to make the correlation with her last name being Bush and her being such an active “feminist”. I desperately hope that was done on purpose. She should seriously take up freedom of bikini grooming for her next platform. The slogans would be endless. Does anyone remember her character on One Tree Hill? Or that she played a bimbo slut in John Tucker Must Die? Or that her acting credits are only limited to those 2 things? Don’t get me wrong I think she is well intentioned and more importantly pretty but I am over the whole fem shtick. She declared war on Urban Outfitters over being outraged of this shirt (on the right) they were selling…

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Not going to lie. I think it’s kind of hilarious… my Grandma Gloria would wear this shirt in a heart beat. She loves skinny bitches. Soph rebuttaled with this shirt shown on the left. Sure it’s not the best message but aren’t their slightly bigger fish to fry? And Soph, there is such thing as a size zero. And you’re fucking wearing it.Kim-Kardashian-and-Kanye-West-Stop-for-Frozen-Yogurt-in-Hawaii-7-600x450

The following words:

  • “FROYO” Why does everything have to have a fucking nickname? I don’t even like frozen yogurt. I think it should be reserved for white girls who still think Juicy Couture is relevant and homosexuals. Or Kimye.
  • “THE SPA” (in reference to a Jacuzzi) – When I hear spa I think of being in a plush robe, getting a massage and the smell of eucalyptus oil and cucumber water. Not a chlorine/urine filled cest pool that’s like a human marinade bowl engulfing you in everyone’s sweat and body fluids. Too graphic? Sorry. IT”S CALLED A JACUZZI PEOPLE. Stop glamourizing it by calling it a spa. And if its above ground and you still are calling it a spa you should just be ashamed of yourself.
  • “I DIE” I don’t even care to explain.

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 Photoshop Debacles – Everyone is going all ape shit over Lena Dunham’s latest vogue cover.  First of all I saw the pre and post photos and I don’t see much of a difference. Secondly, if I was on the cover of Vogue (or anything for that matter… even the fuckin Penny Saver would suffice) you best believe I would be all about that photo shop. Bump that weave, chisel those cheeks and trim those love handles babe. Us common folk use similar deception on a daily basis, it’s called a an Instagram filter. Duh. I can go from pastey as balls to Jennifer Lopez bronzed with the quick hit of a Nashville filter #poorgirlsphotoshop. Have we even considered the fact that maybe Lena wanted a little digital pick me up? Lena has said she is happy with the photos and the spread so good for her (aka my future bff). Get over it.

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 Anne Hathaway – My favorite thing in the world happened last week. Anne Hathaway wore a Speedo one piece with Chanel terry cloth shorts and almost drowned. Do I think she was ACTUALLY near drowning? No. Do I have the picture below hanging on my fridge? Yes. Could she be more dramatic? Get a fucking noodle and stop living in such a charade. Also Anne, whether you are ready to admit or not… you totally jacked Kris Jenner’s haircut. anne-hathaway-nearly-drowns-pp.jpg w=636&h=322&crop=1

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4 comments

  1. Oh, pleeease!!! Next to having a HAUTE MESS/SHIT T-shirt, I would love to have that “eat less”” one!!! Where are people’s sense of fucking humor??? Hathaway on your fridge…..I DIE!!
    (RZ fan for YEARS!!!!! ) btw, I also really had a girl crush on Rachel’s former assistant, Taylor!! #funnyfuckingmadgirl Lastly, Clay Aiken does concerts?? I
    Thought he might be doing a feminine hygiene commercial somewhere? #notgaybasher
    #moneycantbuyHAUTENESS!!!
    Big kiss,
    Beth

    1. I am making a shirt that says “Eating is Cheating” with your name on it! Hopefully Sophia Bush will be outraged and give me some good press. CLAY AIKEN SHOULD DO FEM HYGIENE COMMERCIALS – you should clearly be his agent. He is not gay, he is a straight woman. I DIE for RZ also. Always love your comments you are hilarious! XO

  2. You are, without a doubt, the funniest, smartest, insightful female type chick I have ever known !!! So loving this stuff, even that which I don’t understand, which is most of your content. Balls to the wall!!!

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