Mondays for me are beyond stressful. I lose 3-5 pounds weekly on this special night because of my extreme anxiety from watching 5 hours of television and riding the emotional rollercoaster of the various plotlines. Last night was especially a doozy since the Grammy’s fucked with my Real Housewives of Atlanta viewing so I watched that clusterfuck last night and almost went into cardiac arrest… but actually.
REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS –I need these bitches to step their game up quick. Carlton literally scares the fuck out of me. Her pool party felt like a grand opening of an STD clinic. She just tries way too hard to be edgy and it’s all becoming a bit tired. Please don’t hex me… Also WTF WAS BRANDI WEARING? The hat was very Britney circa 1998, and thewhite vest jean short combo offended me. Bad combo . Then there is KIM AND HER INFAMOUS “FANS” – ugh I lovewhen she reminisces on her big acting career like she is Meryl fucking Streep. I’ll be honest sometimes I miss Kim the alcoholic (is that so wrong?)… but then she publicly declares her love for turtles and I’m ready to be her sponsor again. Kyle and her fucking maxi dresses, I generally think Kyle is the most “normal” and not malicious. Jacqueline needs a new stylist and a sandwich ay dios mio! Yo invites the girls over to make some paintings to send with Gigi to college – cause I am sure that is exactly what she wants. Amidst her lemon grove the women paint and batshit cray Carlton dreams that Kyle was talking shit about her and their fresh start is now over. Hey Carlton, I had a dream that Leo Dicaprio and I were married and had a pet whale in our pool – doesn’t mean I am changing my last name to Dicaprio and buying stock in Seaworld #blackfish. Get a repairative hair mask and stop being such a witch.
THE BACHELOR –Well ladies, it’s time to pack your bags for the first (and ultimately last post-Bachelor) international trip. France? Nope. Italy? Neg. Greece? No. FUCKING KOREA. Not to sound like an asshole but I would be super pissed. They all start jumping on the sofa screaming like they all found out there is a 50% off sale at Bebe which is undoubtedly all their favorite store (yes, that is meant to be an insult).
For the first group date Juan Pabz and his gaggle head to a dance studio to prepare for their big performance with some Korean girl group. Nikki is butt hurt cause she hates to dance and I just want to punch her in the face. Kat clearly stashed some of the molly she took on the Electric Run date and thinks she is a professional dancer… Kitty Kat- STOP. Who else wishes “free spirit” Lucy was still around to take her clothes off in front of that mall full of Asians?
For the one on one date, JP picks Sharleen. Could she be less interested in him? I’m bored … moving on.
For the second group date JP takes the girls to some weird karaoke hostel and then some tea garden? I don’t know, every place they went looked like a fucking tea garden to me. Juan decides after he has already sucked face with 6 girls he wants to be a role model for Camilla (why would she be watching the show? She is 4) and not kiss any of the girls. Andi (with an I not a y – I’m a hypocrite) is my favorite and I was so pissed he didn’t kiss her and got wrapped up in Clare without an I and her stupid DVD.
Nikki and Clare – I hate them both for so many of the same reasons. A) They both intentionally spelled their names incorrectly in the desperate attempt to be unique. Nicky with two k’s and an I, Claire sans the i… how ADORABLE. B) They both suck. C) Nikki is a next level Debbie downer and Clare and her DVD are just too dramatic for me. Clare, your seduction styling’s truly are impressive. Who would’ve thought telling a guy that you puked and swallowed it back down would get JP to break his no kissing rule. RoMaNtiC!
VANDERPUMP RULES – HOLY SHIT BALLS. Kristen is literally the poster woman for Lexapro. I mean that lovingly… but I would honestly rather be trapped in a Home Depot with Casey Anthony then at a mimosa brunch with Kristen. Not that Stassi is such a walk in the park but it felt kinda good when she slapped K. Jax is a fucktard but I think I might believe him. I just can’t take any of them seriously… they all have an ego like Madonna and pay their rent by serving mediocre tuna tartare and polishing silverware like the help. Next week is the finale and I have already looked into cautionary medical assistance in case I lose control of my adrenaline levels and pass out.
Side note : If anyone else tweets / messages me that I look like Stassi I am going to shank myself. That is a threat.