Guys You Should Never Date

You should never date a guy with headshots. I feel really strongly about this. If you are Leo Dicaprio and exited the birth canal with a Shakespeare playbook and a Julliard application – I totally get it. Pursue your dreams boy. If you are 25 – realize being an accountant seems like too much work and your bone structure is enviable so you transition to being a “model/actor” when in reality you work the morning shift at the local Bagel Nosh …. you are not a model/actor – you are a fucking bagel boy. If you don’t have a SAG card or a Guess campaign you are not a model or an actor. Get over yourself (men of Vanderpump Rules I am talking to you).  You know what’s haute? A 401K. Not a shot of you in your boxer briefs.

You should never date a guy who lives with his Mom. I should put an age restriction on this, if you are 24 and you still live with your mom rent free – it’s time to fold up your Batman sheets and get a roommate that didn’t breast feed you. Not only should a man want his independence he should also want privacy. Sleepovers at your guy’s MOM’S house? I don’t think so.

You should never date a guy who collects unemployment. I have been to several Vons that hires the mentally challenged to bag your groceries, retrieve carts in the parking lot and help a sister find the Liquor aisle AND they do it all with a smile. Get a fucking job.

You should never date a guy who has been to jail. I mean I feel I shouldn’t need to really clarify this but I will anyways. I don’t care what the reasoning is whether they stole a stick of gum or was smuggling drugs in their schvinkter from foreign countries to afford their grandmother’s kidney surgery, it ain’t kosher. The only thing worse than a headshot is a fucking mugshot. Actually I take that back – headshots are still worse #streetcred

You should never date a guy who is hott as fuck but dumb as a bag of rocks. I have so many friends who meet a hott guy and are so entranced by their looks that they are willing to except the fact that they were held back 3 times in the 9th grade and still don’t know how to do long division. Contrary to popular belief (and the fact that my boyfriend is super hunky) I would take a genius fat ass with athletes foot over some hottie with the same IQ as my dog. Go read a book.

You should never date a guy who has cheated. I believe once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. No matter if their ex-girlfriend was a raging psychopath, they were 17 years old, they were wasted… it’s the mere principal of being deceitful and shows a vakata moral compass. Be a piece of shit and break up with your girlfriend via text message before you go bang some whore from Valencia – but don’t be a cheater.


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