MONDAY TV RECAP

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS

To emulate Brandi with her swollen tongue “I am tho bored with thith thow.” The tides are finally starting to turn on Lady Vanderpump. Joyce claiming she doesn’t workout is HILARIOUS and then she pretends she is going to go eat a cake after working with her trainer… yeah OKAY. That bitch hasn’t had a calorie in 16 years. Carlton’s husband looks like he sells watches from the lining of his suit jacket and used automobile parts. And Carlton… the definition of anti-semitic is “prejudice, hatred of, or discrimination against Jews for reasons connected to their Jewish heritage”. So although I don’t think you are antisemitic, your whole teary trip down memory lane about you being a white person during an apartheid in South Africa has nothing to do with Jews. But then she clarifies that many of their clients are Jews, and a remark like that could destroy their business. Shut the fuck up Carlton. Brandi confides in Kyle that she feels manipulated by Lisa. Well…duh. Lisa gets glammed up for a magazine shoot and all I took away from this episode is that I am really glad I am not Lisa Vanderpumps housekeeper. Poor Rocia…

VANDERPUMP RULES REUNION

First things first. What the fuck are these bitches wearing? Stassi looks like she is ready to board the titanic (with jewelry from fucking Brighton), Scheana looks like Kim Kardashian circa 2007, I will personally PAY Kristen for a hair thickening treatment (or just to flee the country) and Ariana looks like an ex Destiny’s Child member. I can’t be mad at Katie because I am just so happy she saved me from having to look at her peach colored hair for one more second – you go girl.I don’t feel like going into too much detail since its a reunion but here are a few thoughts. Ladies and gentlemen, Vanderpump Rules is not just a mindless reality television show. This is the cautionary tale of our generation. These people are the poster children for delusional sense of self, mixed with failed dreams and broken moral compasses.

THE BACHELOR

So Juan Pabz and his harem are now in New Zealand. His first one on one date is with Andi (my fave) who rocks the first one piece in Bachelor history. Juan clearly loves a rape cave ( as we have seen in previous episodes) and I am still trying to understand how all these woman think it’s so fucking “romantic” that Juan helps them overcome their fears by helping them over rocks and shit. Like maybe I am old fashioned but whatever happened to dinner and a movie? Or just you know going on a date that doesn’t test your fears and being put in a dangerous situation? Call me crazy. So after shimmying through the narrow wave calls they finally reach their first destination… which was what exactly? Just a swamp of warm water? WOW! We have these things in America Juan, called a JACUZZI or maybe even a BATHTUB that submerge you in warm water without risking a sequel to 127 hours. Den Juan has planned de deener date by de geyzurr (Translation: Juan has planned the dinner date by a geyser) If there are 2 things I know in this world is that geysers are a Jewish girl’s worst nightmare – moisture is the enemy and I’d be pissed if I wasted a blowdry. And secondly, I don’t do men in an infinity scarf… Sorry Juan #redflag. They relocate from the gushing geyser, make out and JP gives Andi the rose (and a gift certificate to a blowdry bar). The next date card arrives and Clare is flicking the lights on and off a la Fatal Attraction awaiting to hear if she gets the next one on one date.tumblr_m8chnjdJHB1rd22bco1_500

Then she gets the good news and I gagged. Girl – go home.

On the group date I refilled my wine because I was getting irritated by all the nature and stupidity. Teen Mom Cassandra was celebrating her 15th birthday and was hoping to get a special birthday rose… sorry boo. They all lose their shit over rolling down a fucking hill in a big plastic ball. “I JUST ROLLED DOWN A HILL WITH JUAN PABLO. IT WAS AMAZING” – Cat – are you fucking kidding me? “IT WAS THE MOST AMAZING THING I HAVE EVER DONE” – Chelsea. If the highlight of your life thus far has been being trapped in a glorified cat toy you need to re-evaluate your life decisions. THEN THEY GO TO HOBBIT VILLE!!!! IT JUST GETS BETTER AND BETTER! WHATS NEXT? CHOCOLATE FROSTY”S AT WENDYS, METTING THE REAL CHUCKIE AT CHUCK E CHEESE? wooooooooohooooooo!

For the one on one date Juan Pabz and Cray Clare work out their “ocean make out” which we all know was salt water penetration (still desperately hoping she got a yeast infection from that) and the love birds rejoiced… in sweatpants #ew.

Kitty Cat goes home much to her surprise. Babycakes, your buzz kill tale of your daddy issues is not the way to lure a new suitor. Intimacy issues? Fear of rejection? Daddy drama? SEXY.

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