Sexy Bitch Must Have

I have always been an incredibly impulsive person. When I see something I love I will go to the depths of the earth to figure out how I can get it. It sounds creepy.. well because it is creepy. I have been this way since I was a little girl, if I couldn’t get it I would do whatever was necessary to attain something similar. Last weekend I was at Barney’s returning a pair of Loubs that I impulsively purchased and immediately regretted. Firstly they hurt like a MOTHER FUCKER and secondly they cost more than a car so I did the responsible thing and dejectedly returned them. I should divulge, I hate returning things. To me it resembles failure and  is always a tough pill to swallow. Trying to lift my spirits I perused the accessories counters and tried to find myself an affordable trinket to keep my serotonin levels at bay. Then something magical happened… Anyone who knows me KNOWS I have a serious infatuation with bejeweled headwear. I love crystally headbands, embellished head wraps, live for a tiara and rocked hair tinsel for the better part of 2011. If it sparkles – I want it on my fucking head. I saw the most fabulous jewel encrusted turban. I immediately envisioned myself laying by a pool in a floor length caftan having some shirtless Greek God serving me fucking mojitos. Without even checking the price tag (side effect of impulse purchases) I took it to the register and told the woman that this turban was literally giving me a lady boner. She smiled and wrapped it up for me – life had taken such a 180 turn after my returner depression just a few minutes ago. “Okay hun, your total is $718” Excuse me bitch? $718 FOR A FUCKING TURBAN -does it come with a genie and 3 wishes? Um, no.

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 If I thought I knew what return shame was before, I was sadly mistaken. This was a new all-time low… the register rejection – I have never experienced that before. I made some on the spot excuse “Ummm could you maybe just hold that for me for next hour? I am gonna go hook on Rodeo to see if I can find an middle eastern sugar daddy to buy for me. K thanks doll!” Later that night I got to thinking. Fuck Barneys – I am making my own turban. Better yet I am going to make a ton of them for my fellow haute messes everywhere who should have the right to walk around in jeweled turbans without having to sell their ovaries to pay for it. This was about 11 days ago – when Baby wants something, she gets it. Many of my Haute Mess advisors would say this is an odd move given that I JUST started selling shirts. One of my special traits is that I rarely listen to other people so I DGAF-ed and got them made anyway because they are FUCKING FABULOUS! “No one will wear them” I don’t cater to basic biatches. Hope you love this Haute Mess Headdress as much as I do – it’s as close to a tiara as we are gonna get. And Jennifer Behr, go fuck yourself and your $718 TURBAN (unless you ever want to send me things for free – kisses) MINE ARE CUTER. #justiceforjackie

Buy the first Haute Mess Must Have HERE. Cause who doesn’t want a jewel encrusted TURBAN?


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