Monday Night TV Recap

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – There are many reasons why I love Yolanda Foster… Her lust worthy collection of Hermes accessories (bags and belts specifically), her lush lemon grove and most importantly- her calorie monitoring system with her daughter Gigi. I can seriously appreciate this maternal sentiment because I have grown up with quite the opposite approach. My mother force feeds me on the regular, she half- converted to Judaism so she tries to reaffirm her Jewish stature by portraying the classic characteristics and constantly pushing food down my throat. I secretly think she is trying to plump me up so she gets to be the skinniest member of the family..which is kind of genius and something I totally commend #milfproblems. Watching Yolanda allow Gigi a morsel of her graduation cake was really sweet to watch. Remember when she let her have 2 almonds when she was about to pass out about 6 episodes back? So adorable.I really wish I had the willpower for a small stint of anorexia  but this bitch be HUNGRY. Last night begins the official de-throning of Queen Vanderpump and I am still totally freaked out by Kyle’s plagued computer.

VANDERPUMP RULES REUNION – Oy. Vey. Kristen is still fucking crying and losing her shit that Tom and Arianna are holding hands. Um remember you banged your boyfriend’s best friend? She may be the dumbest girl I have ever had the pleasure of not knowing. Stassi’s whole outfit is straight out of the Great Depression and she now thinks she is Carrie fucking Bradshaw because she moved to New York and bought herself a Marc by Marc Jacobs bag. Like get over yourself. Side note: I know Andy Cohen’s a ‘mo… But I’m into him. Speaking of homo’s – I must admit I kind of like Tom. He seems innocent in his stupidity. His eyelids are so glossy and his outfits are just too coincidentally prepared. Jax is the ULTIMATE Los Angeles transplant red flag and Scheana needs to change her name to Keana and join Keeping Up with The Kardashians. I like Ariana but her hollaback girl outfit and weave are giving me serious anxiety. I want to hit Kristen with my car… so badly. Basically they go over the same ol shit and I just want to shank myself.

THE BACHELOR – So the Bachelor clan heads to Miami and JP reunites with his daughter. Not gonna lie Camilla seems chill. She rocks hot pink bows and seems to yolo pretty hard which I respect in a 6 year old. So Sharleen gets first one on one date and Claire puts like 76 pins in her voodoo doll. I kinda love Sharleen for not being enamored with the fact that she’s being ambushed with a date and expresses a lack of “cerebral connection”. Which is a nice way of saying she thinks hes a dumb fuck. She is a very necessary juxtapose to future step- mommy dearest Clare and some of the other weirdos. But let’s be honest… She fucking hates him. Back at the hotel Nikki needs to quit talking shit and focus on bigger issues like finding a hydrating mask for her deep fried entry level nurse budget bleach job #sorryimnotsorry. Back to the one on one date, Sharleen is kind of prissy as fuck but I still like her for keeping shit real and acknowledging the fact that JP is hott but super dumb. She may be the only bitch in a mesh insert body con dress that actually has something intellectual to say. Then she runs home and consults nice girl Renee about her awkward position.

The second one on one date is with Nikki #gag. JP tells her they need to make a floral arrangement for Camilla’s dance recital. Nikki and her roots practically shit her pants. Not gonna lie… Camilla is fucking cute. I live for a childhood dance number (hence:Gettin Jiggy With It) and it actually made me like Juan more by seeing him in his element. Night time falls and Nikki is bustin a J LO worthy deep plunge neckline AND a fringe skirt which is shallowly making me like her more… way to bust it out bitch #hautemessrespect. Very hooker fab. So back at the brothel – I mean hotel, Sharleen decides she is too intellectual for Juan Pabz and decides to sacrifice herself to elimination which is kinda dope. Ironically the way he handled rejection was semi endearing and slightly irritating all at the same time. So home girl goes bye bye and the rest of the harem preps for the group date.

The Bachelor and his bitches head to the beach and dumb fuck Chelsea busts out her letters like Allie from the fucking Notebook cause all men really want to spend a date reading letters your Mommy and Daddy wrote you… not. Chelsea looks like she works at your local Sketchers store in the mall and I mean that as an insult. Andi is my fave but I need her to get her shit together in her Kyle Richards caftan. Your smart and pretty- grow some balls and remember he is lucky to even have you their #girlpower. He gives Andi the rose and Clare nearly shits her pants. So over Clare and her Charlotte Russe wardrobe and drama. Andi and JP dance like they are suffering from cerebral palsy and she majestically is still clutching her rose from earlier in the day. Clare starts plotting her plan to boil Camilla’s bunny and then her and Nikki basically come to terms with fact that they hate each other because they are the same person. Did anyone notice the irony of them both in tie dye sun dresses… 1998 called and they want their look back. Ugh. This shit makes me embarrassed to be a member of the same gender.  Chelsea and her letter’s go home and next week Juan meets the ladies fam bam!

Haute Mess Lesson: Never trust a girl in a Herve Leger knock off dress…

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