The Shoe-pacolypse Is Here…

You guys… something really terrible has happened. Anybody who knows me knows the following things to be true; I have an affinity for anything that sparkles, I am perpetually confused by recycling, I have a record of consuming 6 ½ animal style In n Out burgers in one sitting effortlessly, I say fuck a lot and I absolutely love Sarah Jessica Parker. She has been my fashion icon since she worked a pink tutu while getting side splashed by a bus in the opening credits of Sex and The City. To this day I believe I got 48% of my life lessons from that show and directly correlate my affection to Carrie Bradshaw for turning me into such a label whore. I have defended and admired SJP from a distance for so long that in my head I have completely manifested a one sided relationship with her. While girls in middle school were lusting for juicy tracksuits and ugg boots I was robbing relatives jewelry boxes so I could rock this SJP inspired look to my 7th grade dance…


(Those who knew me in middle school can testify to this layered pearl look that really clashed nicely with my braces and malnourished body type)

As you can see, SJP and I have history. I like to think I am her surrogate twin’s young kooky godmother and that she is inviting me to her Hamptons home this summer where we will swap statement jewelry and ride bikes together. Needless to say I like to think that we have constantly been on the verge of becoming best friends… obviously.I have literally gotten in more arguments defending Sarah Jessica Parker’s outfit choices and appearance then maybe anything else. I single handedly tried to petition and take down for YEARS. Since we are bicoastal bffs I was thrilled to hear that SJP was coming out with a shoe line a few months back. That bitch has serious shoe game so I have been foaming at the mouth for the grand reveal. Last night as I got into bed I excitedly remembered her big shoe debut was on the horizon. I hurriedly googled to see if she had released any sneak peek photos. To set the mood for you – in my head I am envisioning caged booties, thigh high python boots, jewel encrusted stilettos, sky high heels, metallic brogues etc. This isn’t a fucking Sears collection this is  SJP for fuck’s sake. What I saw next tail spun me into a depression only topped by Marissa Cooper’s death on The OC. Grab your Kleenex bitches. sjpshoes

 WHAT THE FUCK? This CANNOT be real – use alternate search words “Sarah Jessica Parker REAL shoe collection” FUCK FUCK FUCK – this is real. No. Stop. Is that a kitten heel? No. FUCKING ESPADRILLES?! You know every PTA mom in white capri’s and a fucking Dooney and Bourke bag from Arkansas are SHITTING themselves for those. Ugh the HORROR. Maybe they were made for comfort? EW – fuck comfort. Now all I want is a donut and a dirty martini this cannot be real life. If you could have seen my reaction you would be able to understand the emotional turmoil and genuine heartbreak I felt just looking at them for the first time. I have tried to understand, make excuses and wrap my head around these deathly foot casings ( I wont even refer to them as shoes) for a solid 38 hours now and I just can’t do it. Maybe my expectations were too high, maybe I am being overly critical or maybe I am completely off base but I hate them. The shoes are depressing and it pains me to even type that out. YOU WERE CARRIE BRADSHAW QUEEN OF THE MANOLO – are you seriously pushing a Cathy Jean look alike heel? What is with the fucking slide on wedge sandal is that a JOKE? I have literally spent hours trying to understand the vision but I really cant. Yes there are some shoes in the collection that aren’t as offensive as shown above but they are still not up to par. Let’s keep shit real – the collection looks straight up ORTHOPEDIC.

I hope you can all aid me through this hard time and please be respectful of my fragile state. SJP I will always love you despite your recent betrayal to my feet. I know in time I will be able to forgive but I cannot let myself forget.

5 thoughts on “The Shoe-pacolypse Is Here…

  1. Beth says:

    Holy fucking (non) footwear!!?? I saw the “collection” last week….this is a travesty! Im 54 and I wouldn’t wear anything that looked that COMFORTABLE!!!! WTH?? I cant wear the sky high 6/7 inchers, but i was sooo looking forward to a “Carrie” worthy high heel/wedge/bootie!!!! None appeal to me, BUT, i will ALWAYS support a bitch who loves SJP….we must stand united, and let her know we will not hold these shoe mockings against her….please SJP, try try again!!!!! 😘

    • imahautemess says:

      I could not agree with you more. She will always be Carrie Bradshaw and I feel like we can get through this catastrophe together. FINGERS CROSSED FOR NEXT SEASON – I just cant with all these “comfortable” styles its downright offensive. Like no embellished flats? Booties? A spunky wedge? NOTHING? It’s unbelievable

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