Salad – I hate salad. I hate people who think it is okay to order salad for dinner. Who wants to be that girl. You are so boring. Fuck salad. Got that? Fuck. Salad.
Mullet Dresses – Once things get so over done that they are mass produced for Wet Seal (is that even still around) you know it is time to purge from your closet. Mullet dresses with an elastic waist band are even more offensive – no girl, no.
Facebook Fame-Hoe’s – O-M-G you were at a club with Lil Romeo also known as the STAR of ICDC College commercials nationwide? And you totally got to sit at his table and drink amateur vodka cranberries together? And he let you wear his gold chain and hat to accessorize your super cute polyester bandage dress? WOAHHHH. Please do not infect my newsfeed with your endless photo shoots with b-list celebrities. It is so embarrassing. Unless you’re in Lake fucking Como with Clooney you have no reason to be broadcasting your pathetic “celeb” sponging.
Inspirational Quotes – Sometimes a bitch will post an Insta-pic with what is intended to be words of wisdom and I sit there and just think… what the fuck? I mean if you have already exhausted the cat pictures, sunset shots and pics of your new mani/pedi (another thing I hate – the term “mani pedi” it is so wrong) I understand needing to resort to a “meaningful” quote to create the allusion of depth and deep intellect. Because obviously that is what Instagram is for #duh. “It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey” … um okay. Have you ever been stuck in gridlock traffic on the way to Vegas? It’s about the fucking destination. Bitch please – go get yourself a froyo and leave the insight to someone who doesn’t still wear jeggings.
“Protein Style” – Ladies and gentlemen. Although it is fun watching people wrangle a meat patty and gallops of thousand island in between 2 pieces of wet lettuce and tell you how great it is – you are living a lie. I am a woman of statistics and the only difference between a regular and a protein style burger from In N Out is 20 calories from fat and 2 grams of fat THAT’S IT. Still want to lose the bun? I didn’t think so.
Pigeons – I thought I could best describe my feelings in a poem… Rats of the sky.I want them all to die. They shit on your head and peck at your feet-a. I dream of their extinction fuck off PETA.