Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Joyce (Jacqueline) really can annoy the fuck out of me “ay dios mio!” but I think she is genuinely a nice person, not that it particularly matters to me. Kim’s Spanish is perfection. Yolanda has a seriously hot body. Kyle is probably shitting herself at the chance to wear one of her 56,000 caftans in the appropriate situation. Lisa is petrified to be sharing a bathroom with her husband and claims her hotel lavatory is the same size as Giggy’s bathroom. Brandi needs to grow the fuck up and stop acting like an 8 year old bitch. So Lisa isn’t calling you every morning? Boo fucking hoo. If it walks like a victim, talks like a victim and cries like a victim… It’s a fucking victim. Bottom Line – Get OVER yourselves.
The Bachelor Part One
I am just going to come out and say it … Juan Pablo sucks ass. What he lacks in basic English he definitely makes up for in Latin douche – ness. He blames his apparent lack of intelligence to the premise that “English is his second language” he was born in fucking New York. He did grow up in Venezuela but he has been here for enough time to not sound like such a dumb fuck in Spanglish. This has nothing to do with a language barrier, he is basically one chromosome away from being mentally challenged. Also let it be forever noted any man that prefers to be addressed by two names is a next level red flag. Bitch puh-lease.
So it’s home date time. Yay (that was sarcastic). First Juan heads to Kansas City to meet Nikki and her family. She takes him to a seriously rapey looking BBQ joint and he nearly gets a boner after trying his first rib under fluorescent lighting. Romantic! They awkwardly ride the bull together and when Nikki’s father asks if she could see him as her husband she responds , “He makes me feel really comfortable. I can’t put my finger on it. It’s just awesome. Like magical I feel really really good about it” Somebody call Vera Wang – this bitch is totally ready to get hitched! Are you fucking kidding me? This sounds like the same response I would give when someone asked me how I feel about my gynecologist or manicurist. Not my potential husband.
Next Juan Pablo heads to Atlanta to meet Andi. If Andi isn’t a total shoe-in for the next Bachelorette I am going to go to ABC headquarters and fuck shit up. I would like to think their date at the shooting range was amazing foreshadowing. It was refreshing to meet a family that wasn’t blindly supportive of this short bus escapee who could end up being their son in law. Andi’s dad grilled Juan Pablo and basically told him as of now he would not grant him permission to ask for Andi’s hand in marriage. Anytime her father would ask a tough question Juan did what he does best and bring up fucking Camila. Stop whoring your fatherhood to avoid intellectual conversation. You are on a reality show shtuping multiple women, not battling on the front lines of Afghanistan. Stop trying to portray yourself as some single parent hero. You fucking retard. Sorry – a little harsh but it felt good to get that off my chest. The only reason Andi’s mom approves is because she clearly would be down to bang him.
Speaking of single parenthood, the next hometown date took JP to Sarasota to meet Renee and her rose-insurance aka her son Ben. Not going to lie, I cried a little when Renee reunited with Ben. Maybe I was just crying because Juan Pablo was still wearing what appeared to be a Livestrong bracelet but I digress. What a sweet little boy, Renee is really genuine with a huge side dish of delusion. They watch him play baseball and it’s super pathetic to watch because anyone with 3 brain cells know she is not making it to the final 3.
Last but not least we head to Sacramento to visit Clare-bear and her DVD. They meet in a rose garden because it is super sentimental to her. She explains that every day she would get home from school, do her homework, then her dad would take her to get ice cream and go to that very park and feed the ducks. Not to sound like a black hearted bitch but I am going to call bullshit on that one. Clearly the only one’s eating ice cream daily are Clare’s sasquatch sisters. And also by the time she got home, did homework and got ice cream it would be dark. And you can’t feed ducks in the fucking dark Clare. DURRR. Clare takes Juan to meet her mother and sisters. Clearly Clare’s mom had hoe’s in different area codes because none of her children look mildly related. There is some BS drama with her sister and we all know it doesn’t matter cause Renee is going home.
If I have to hear “Will you assept dis rose?” one more time I am going to shank myself. Someone get this ding ding a dialect coach.
UGH. My head and fingers hurt, Part Duex will be published tonight…