Ghandi Never Had a Facebook…

It’s no secret that I am very easily irritated. I have expressed my serious and at times life threatening disdain for dumb people time and time again. There really is nothing worse than being a dumb fuck, unless you are an ugly dumb fuck and then you are really screwed. In a world tainted by excess emoji’s, improper use of “ LOL” (ladies, you really don’t need to say LOL after every sentence…calm down) and 6+ years of community college being socially acceptable DUMB is everywhere. Yes, I realize I didn’t go to college but fuck off. I may not have a college degree but my shoe game is on point and I fucking bought them all myself.

Let me clarify, you could be a Yale graduate and still be fucking dumb. I use the term dumb in the simplest form. Being smart in my perception is knowing how you feel, what you think and what you know while being able to comprehend the intricacies of the three and articulate yourself accordingly. Fuck, that sounds deep but you know what I mean. Ironically on the other side of the spectrum, things don’t get much better. Because if there is anything more annoying in the world than a dumb bitch, it’s the wannabe intellectual bitch…

Last week I got in a bit of an internet tussle – shocker– with someone who was not too pleased with one of my Facebook statuses. The status read “Juan Pablo is the ultimate short bus escapee”. To be fair on the ranking system of some of the other shit I write this was pretty mild. Is it nice to make short bus jokes? Probably not. Do I still standby my statement? Yes. Said person expressed that it was ignorant of me to make a short bus joke because it was degrading to the people who ride them. Personally, I find that to be a huge generalization. There are many occasions when one could find themselves in a short bus. Perhaps a small group is going wine tasting, maybe a small club soccer team is traveling somewhere and doesn’t want to pay full price for a bus? Just saying.

Understanding that my sense of humor does not always translate and perhaps my short bus joke was not in the best taste, I issued him a sincere apology and went about my day. For the next 45 minutes I was engaged in a full out social debate on my fucking Facebook page. I tried to remain as dignified and classy as possible but what the fuck? I apologized a total of 3 times (so I’ve met my yearly quota) I have a fucking job, and an apartment, and a dog, and a fucking Neiman Marcus account. I don’t have time to have this dialogue with you – ESPECIALLY on Facebook. Here is my truth – I wish I was cool enough to not have a Facebook. But then how the fuck would I shamelessly self promote my businesses.  Like I said “I have many intellectual thoughts, but none that will ever be read on Facebook” or this blog for that matter.

To be clear I am proud of 99% of my words and 100% of my thoughts. Now only 43% of my thoughts ever get translated to actual words because I have one sick sense of humor and would like to still get invited to parties.  So you can do the math on that.

If the only portal you have to express your deep thoughts and wisdom is on Facebook, you may need to re-evaluate some of your life choices. There is this girl who posts mindless “words of wisdom” on hourly intervals to my news feed mainly involving the environment and our non appreciation for it. I have never been into the green movement unless you are referring to the latest Gucci collection that is showcasing delicious hues  of emerald so you can go ahead and cool it with the environmentalism. If you are such an activist why don’t you get off your ass (which I’m sure is quaintly perched on the sofa in your mother’s house where you still reside at 26) and go fucking volunteer. Or go bang Sara McLaughlin and all of her three legged cats. You are not Ghandi, your attempt at wisdom is UNINSPIRING and your shift at Jamba Juice is about to start.

Haute Mess Lesson: If your only intellectual reprieve is publishing vague and plagiarized quotes on the same portal that contaminates us with fucking Farmville and Candy Crush invites… you clearly need to find a new platform. Kisses baby boo.

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