EDIBLE ARRANGEMENTS – Yesterday one of my coworkers got sent an edible arrangement from a “secret admirer”. The only thing creepier then sending an edible arrangement is sending an ANONYMOUS edible arrangement… like what the fuck? Here is a bouquet of phallic shaped fruit blooming from a bed of kale. Let’s bang! NO. Cantaloupe shaped like genitalia on a skewer is not sexy. And if you are thinking about sending this to a woman you are even slightly interested in you are better off just sending her your ACTUAL genitalia because sending an edible arrangement is basically doing the same thing only less gallant. I can’t even decide whether it is better baller up the extra money to get the “chocolate dipped” phallic fruit (for the lady with jungle fever) or if it just makes it even more despicable. I would literally be sent roadkill then an edible arrangement – at least I could use the roadkill for a chic hand muff.
FEDORAS – I love a panama hat, live for a good beanie and generally believe in the theory the bigger the brim the BETTER. There is nothing worse than a middle aged Armenian woman who smells like beef kabobs leaning over your shoulder to read your Us Weekly. Large brims are the ultimate close talker buffer and clearly serve a purpose. Fedora’s make you look like a jackass.
“CUPS” – Let me be clear. I love Anna Kendrick, I think we could be really good friends. She’s funny, not intimidatingly good looking and down to earth. That doesn’t mean the song “Cups” doesn’t make me want to hurl my body off a cliff in the hopes of plummeting to my own death. The song is beyond gay and if I have to see one more middle aged parent post their daughter re-enacting the song with a fucking red cup on my Facebook newsfeed I am going to punch someone in the trachea. When I am driving and hear it on the radio I have to literally grip my steering wheel to control the urge to drive into oncoming traffic. Yes, I feel THAT strongly about it. When you’re gone… when you’re gone… I WONT FUCKING MISS YOU WHEN YOUR GONE “CUPS” STOP PLAYING ON THE RADIO.
NEKNOMINATION – The first time I heard about this was on the news where they reported 5 deaths associated with this new internet trend. Personally, I think the news story was slightly blown out of proportion and put a huge black cloud over the whole concept for me. In reality I am just super pissed no one has nominated me yet. Despite the fact that I love a stiff cocktail I am a notoriously slow sipper. In my head I have my whole neknomination skit planned and because there is no way in HELL I could chug a beer in 20 seconds I would definitely have the air time to simultaneously perform some kind of variety show whilst finishing my brew. I can assure you it would be the best to date so someone fucking nominate me already @jackieschimmel #shameless.
AVIVA DRESCHER – I have been binge watching Real Housewives of New York until I literally get drunk through osmosis from Ramona Singer. I think it is seriously the most underrated series within the franchise and I am foaming at the mouth with excitement for Tuesdays premiere. I tend to love all the housewives in different ways. Even the one’s I hate I still love deep down for providing so many hours of entertainment. The only housewife I truly hate is Aviva Drescher – she is HORRIFIC. I don’t give a fuck that she got trapped in a conveyer belt as a child. When I re-watched the episodes of the ladies in St. Barths I literally almost died reliving her insane narcissism. She actually said upon her arrival “I was expecting a banner that said Congratulations, you did it! RA RA” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? Your bravery is so inspiring. You got on a private plane despite your phobias to come join the ladies on a luxury vacation in a multimillion dollar villa. WOW. I mean there are men and women on the front lines in Afghanistan protecting our country but what you did really is so commendable. Go fuck yourself and your one leg.