So alas, it is finale week in St Lucia. Juan Pablo emerges from the lush landscape and solemnly walks on the beach pondering his big upcoming decision. For a moment I feel guilty as I may have been too harsh on Juan Pablo this season. Then he says “the ocean is so blue” and im jolted back to reality. Fucking idiot. No it’s purple like your gay shirt. Nice try Tinkie Winkie we still all know you’re a homophobe. Go back to Venezuela. So Juany-Poo gets ready to meet Clare and introduce her to his family. “I like Clare a lot” well that’s promising… #wifey. Clare clad in a 2006 magenta sun dress with a painfully unnecessary waste belt meets JP and his loyal brood. “You can tell how much they love eachother” …. I mean. Just fucking shoot me. Clearly his “cousin” Rodolfo was a local pool boy ABC hired to make Juan seem like he has at least one family member that likes him. Did anyone else think it was super creepy that Clare and Papa Pablo were holding hands and gazing into each others eyes. The first “I love you” within the Pablo bloodline should probably come from your mentally challenged boyfriend not his erect father. Hopefully these two didn’t have a 4am penetration in the St Lucia waters. Keep it in your pants JP senior. This ain’t Venezuela.
Next up Nikki and her boxed bleach job get to meet the fam bam. She has the slight advantage having already met most of his family in Miami at Camilla’s dance recital. Being ever so self aware, Nikki goes on about her worldly travels and Camilla just lays there like oh really bitch? That’s chic. I’ve been stuck in fucking Miami developing my future intimacy issues thanks to my absentee father. Glad you’re having such a great time jet setting you frizzy haired whore. Besitos! Juan’s horny father makes his second play (less aggressively) with Nikki by shitting on his sons temper. Then Mama Pablo basically tells Nikki her son is super boring. Nikki blinks and is not picking up on any of the red flags his parents are basically throwing at her face. Wait a second…Rodolfo suddenly has braces? Does ABC have dental benefits? You go Ro-ro.
For their final date Clare and Juan go on a helicopter ride and I can only hope and pray a native bird flies into the propeller. As they land the cameras and audio are off and Juan says “I love f*cking you” allegedly. Yes even I had to use an asterisk on that one… EW. Clare is pissed and confused. Hell has officially frozen over. Now I’m actually liking Claire in comparison to how much hatred I am having towards Juan Pablo. I want to shank him. He comes to her hotel room where she denies him the besitos and I start to have a small change of heart. Okay Clare, here is your moment. Redeem yourself from a season of bad Bebe cocktail dresses and annoying optimism – rip that Venezuelan douchebag a new one. And then… I hate her again. As she tries and explain how she was offended and Juan just tells her “Es okay”. Clare moronically forgives him and is back to deciding which boarding school they should send Camilla too and ordering their monogrammed towels. Fuck my life.
Nikki and JP go on a catamaran and Juan avoids having any intellectual conversation like a fucking champ. They make out and frolic in the water like tweedle dee and tweedle dumbfuck. After their boating excursion Juan goes to Nikki’s hotel room for their last night before the final rose. These bitches and their maxi dresses – I CANT. I literally could have a more intellectual conversation with a flagpole. Um aren’t you supposed to possibly be getting engaged tomorrow? Perhaps that inclines you to have an ACTUAL dialogue. And why the fuck would she give him a gift? Girl, go home.
The ladies get glam for their final rose ceremony and clearly borrowed gowns from Real Housewive of Beverly Hills Joyce. Clare is wearing a right off the runway Wet Seal prom dress and Nikki is rocking a Fredericks of Hollywood gown complete with a slit that showcases her labia. Their hair is teased, make-up is caked and chandelier earrings donated by Icing are on. We all know that the first off the boat is the loser. Clare and her veneers go get dumped by Juan Pablo and she leaves us with the best quote of the season “I would never want my children having a father like you!” BOOM BITCH. I still hate her but I am glad she didn’t pull a Lauren Conrad with black tears streaming down her face. She really rose to the occasion and was able to articulate herself without any tears and give that fucker some shade. Then Nikki and her exposed vagina bust on the scene and Juan explains he is not ready to propose but can’t let her go. He also doesn’t say I love you and “es okay” with Nikki. So like what – are they dating? Is this supposed to be romantic? EW. Maybe it was a good move not to propose – he is going to need to Pawn that Neil Lane ring to pay for the years of therapy Camilla has coming her way #daddydrama. Juan Pablo, not only are you one chromosome away from being classified short bus you are also the WORST and most hated bachelor of all time. Es not okay – adios fuckhead.
I will also be starting a Kickstarter as my first philanthropy project to raise funds for Camilla’s therapy bills #humanitarian