About a month ago I got locked out of my apartment, I called my boyfriend who was still busy at work and let me know he would be able to be home in about an hour minimum. Feeling extremely veklempt I weighed out my options; call a locksmith, drive to his office or wait patiently in my car. I decided all of those options seemed boring and opted to hit up a local happy hour instead and troll for babes. (JK I would never be into a guy drinking before 5pm on a weekday… get to #workbitch) As I settled into my seat trying to look as distracted and unapproachable as possible, an elderly man in suspenders and an Oliver Twist hat came and took the seat next to me. He said hello and I gave him my best friendly stranger with very large pepper spray in my purse, please don’t hit on me you old man, smile. Much to my relief, he ordered a whiskey and a Blue Moon (double fister mister!) and took out a pad of paper and box of pens. He started writing and sketching and within 15 minutes ordered his next round of drinks, my kinda guy. After I polished off my dirty martini I was struggling to get the bartenders attention for drink #2. Oliver Twist Senior saw me failing to get my order in and said “Jason could you please help this young lady with another drink?” Clearly he was a regular! I thanked him and he smiled and went back to his writing pad. Now I was obsessed with him. Firstly, I was salivating for a blue cheese olive martini. Secondly, he called me a LADY which is a rare occurrence. After a few sips of my second martini, the Grey Goose got me feeling loose and I asked him what he was drawing. He explained that he comes to this bar every Wednesday and writes down his thoughts for a book he is writing for his daughter. He immediately brought out a folder filled with photo copies of different insightful life advice, drawings, short stories. I wanted to punch him in his little wrinkly face he was so cute, within 3 seconds I went from avoiding direct eye contact to practically sitting in his lap wanting him to adopt me. He began telling me his entire life story. Him and his wife are costume designers and he has published 3 philosophy books. I was totally infatuated with him. He gave me a folder with 10 pages on things he wrote for his daughter and wanted to share with me. Soon my boyfriend joined us (#cockblock) and our take home folder of knowledge just grew biggerNaturally I offered up some of my own philosophies I suggested he add like..
13. You will never win at anything in life in a knock off Herve Leger bandage dress… except chlamydia.
He didn’t really get it. In honor of Saint Patty’s day here is some Pub Philosophy courtesy of my geriatric man candy.