Best Bitches – Lisa Vanderpump

For those of you who have been living under a rock or don’t keep up with me on social media (shame on you) something truly remarkable happened yesterday. Everyone knows how casually obsessed I am with the Real Housewives franchise. I am not the slightest bit ashamed, think my obsession has no merit on my intelligence and tell anyone who disagrees to go fuck themselves. You think you’re so fucking intellectual because you watch documentaries and The History Channel? Try spending an hour doing character analysis at one of the Housewives lavish dinner parties –now THAT is mentally stimulating television. Why are they in gowns? I thought they hated each other? Who was texting whose husband? She hates Jews? Not exactly mindless television. This shit is rough.

I think it is safe to say each of the Housewife franchises has a Queen Bee. Nene runs the A-T-L (plop). Tre holds shit down in Jersey #freetre. Vicki is the OG of the OC. Ramona and her pinot grigio rule the big apple. No one gives a fuck about Miami and Lisa Vanderpump is clearly the queen of Beverly Hills #checkmatebitch. Yesterday morning was a doozy for a few reasons. Firstly, I hit a pedestrian – it was more of a love tap then an actual a full on hit. I have said this multiple times… pedestrians do NOT have the right away in my world. Secondly, my Caviar of the month club got delivered. Why do I belong to a Caviar of the month club? It’s called entitlement issues people. To be fair, I only opted for the 3 month package because I am not a pretentious asshole. Lastly and most importantly, Lisa Vanderpump tweeted me. (pause for reaction) She saw a picture of my to die for son Leo and sparked a full on conversation. We aren’t talking a one hit wonder. Like a LEGITIMATE dialogue which then moved to direct messaging. Direct Messages on Twitter are basically like exchanging social security numbers. She asked if I could bring Leo into Villa Blanca and let her know when so she could meet us. At first I thought she was just being cordial but then when I received a FOLLOW UP message at 6pm last night after 6 hours of no contact I knew this was serious business. To say I almost went into cardiac arrest would be putting it mildly. So after years of watching Bravo religiously and passionately, my dreams are coming true. Next week I will be going to Villa Blanca to meet one Mrs. Lisa Vanderpump. Upon these plans a million to-do’s flooded my head. Should I ask to interview her for my blog? Who do I bring? Should I pretend I am British? And most importantly WHAT THE FUCK WILL I WEAR? My cousin Joanna had similar concerns and told me I needed to “look chic” like I was planning on going in a halter top from fucking Bebe. Bitch please, the only person that respects statement accessories more than Lisa Vanderpump is yours truly #duh.

I believe in life all good things start with a vision board which is why I have my 4 outfit choices direct from my closet for all to see and judge. Please vote for the look you like best in hopes that Lisa will give Pandora the boot, adopt me and wear a tiara to my wedding.

LISACOLRibbet collage

I will obviously be documenting our sacred union. Please help a bitch out and let me know which outfit is worthy of Lady Vanderpump. You should know that my dog’s new fame has not gone to his head. He is super unaffected by it and still mingles with local neighborhood dogs and eats socks #humble.

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14 thoughts on “Best Bitches – Lisa Vanderpump

  1. ThingsRFine says:

    Look #1… because that purse is to die for!

    P.S. Found your very entertaining blog and now follow you because of that twitter conversation with Lisa.

  2. Sofie VMH (@SofieVMH) says:

    I saw she tweeted you. I wanted to pull your hair in a jealous rage.
    I literally would not care if I saw any a-list celeb. if I saw let alone met Lisa Vanderpump it’s safe to say I would be completely hysterical.

    If it is daytime: outfit 1
    if it is nighttime: outfit 3 – but maybe with the same top only with a short sleeve rather than sleeveless

    to confuse things even further, i like the top from outfit 3 with the rest of outfit 1 as well.

    Good luck!

    • imahautemess says:

      We are clearly on the same page. I dont give a fuck about celebrities but housewives send me into cardiac arrest. I like the idea of merging out #1 and #3. Fabulous idea! I thought about just forgetting all 4 and wearing my shirt I ordered from bravo that says “Life isn’t all diamonds and rose, but it should be!” but thought that may be a tinge…agressive?

  3. Renee says:

    1 or 4!! You seriously have no idea how much entertainment you provide for me. Literally, helping me keep sane through law school.

    • imahautemess says:

      That makes me so happy because the whole reason I started this shit show blog was to keep myself entertained. I never went to college so I can live vicariously through your triumphs

  4. disconcerted72 says:

    Am I too late for this? I hope not.

    Well, when I first saw #2, I thought that would have been ideal…then when I saw #4, I thought…hmmm…that might be a good look too.
    Then, I see the first comment as #2…so, I think #2 is best!

    Just my 2 cents…and it’s my last 2 cents, so it has to be worth something to someone 😛

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